Standing on the Edge of Myself: God, Guitars, and Jennifer Knapp

I believe in things coming full-circle. I just don't expect it to take a decade or more.

In early 1998, I was an angst-ridden teenager with notches in my belt for each of the ways I tried to cope with the reality before me. Alanis Morissette had me growing my hair miles long and lamenting "Uninvited" love, and I hadn't really experienced any actual invited attention up to that point. Sheryl Crow was making enough mistakes to have a "Favorite" and I had not quite mustered up the guts to make any real mistakes in all of my 17-18 years. Sarah McLachlan was all broken up about some Adia girl, I had nothing like that going on...But you get the picture. My reality was something altogether different than any of the music being offered to my ears.

To say I was searching for something may sound so cliche, but it is, in fact, what I was doing. Searching for myself, for God, for whatever it was in life that made it worth, you know, living. I wasn't suicidal, by any measure, but I felt like a person going through motions. Playing a part, being who I was supposed to be in my culture, my post-modern American Christiandom Consumer culture. But, secretly, on the inside, I was some kind of wanna-be bleeding-heart poet person, swimming in overly-complex philosophical thought all the day long. "Tired of choking in the shallow water I've been in, ready to be baptized with water and blood, come on push me under..."
One day during that swim stands out amongst the others.

I was 17, nearly 18, and attending some Christian music concert at the old Hershey Stadium. I was not overly-enthused, but just going because I was forcing myself to be social, and it sure beat sitting up in my room playing three chords on my guitar and thinking way too much.

Imagine my absolute glee when a twenty-something chick hits the stage with a guitar and starts singing these songs, with these words that just heaped gasoline onto the flames of my brain. Not to even mention the voice, sweet Lord, that voice was like a bolt of lightning that cracked into your ears and just lit up your soul. This girl was singing from her soul, that much was true. And I loved every second. I remember the exact feeling during that whole set, I had abandoned my friend to get closer to the stage, standing there amongst strangers, listening to something pure...I was nearly out of my skin. Just kept thinking, 'this, this is too much, incredible, who writes words like that? How does she think these things and sing these things and...' I don't remember how long the set was, but I remember nearly crying as she walked off stage, and then bolting to the merch table to pick up a copy of her cd, Kansas. Yeah. That was my introduction to Jennifer Knapp.

That cd, Kansas, was an oddity in my collection. I played that thing to death. Literally, it no longer functions, the lyric booklet is wrinkled, ripped, taped up, torn. The red pattern printed on the cd is all scratched up and peeling off. I loved that cd...loved it. Each song brings back a feeling, a moment- whether good or bad, or whatever. I remember growing through that music. I learned the songs on my guitar, quote them in conversation, they are a part of me. Truly. I was unable to buy another copy of the cd, just because I'm weird like that, it was so overwhelming that first time, hearing JKnapp, buying the cd, and then the rest of my life happened...I just couldn't go to a crappy music store and buy another copy. (Sorry, JKnapp.) I still have that cd, somewhere. We have moved so many times, and since it is truly in pieces, its...somewhere, in a box. I have a little heart-attack when I think about not knowing where it is, because of it's sentimental value...so I try not to think about it, la la la, not thinking, la la la.

I weaved in and out of Jennifer Knapp phases during my life, I wasn't overly-fanatical, but she definitely had a place in my life that other singers couldn't really claim...maybe Elton John, but he was more from age 12-18, whereas JKnapp was in the crucial, just entering adulthood era, I'm sure God totally had that planned out. Upon realizing she had released other cds (I did not exactly follow the Christian music scene) I scooped them up like precious gold or something- some months I just pushed repeat and listened over and over and over. I love her words. I love to think on them, it's like Dr. Seuss, Oh the Thinks you can Think! I started to write my own stuff in 2005 or so, learned a few more chords on my own crappy guitar...to say I was inspired isn't quite getting the whole idea. If my soul says I am some kind of poet/artist/singer person, then I am inclined to be that way with much help and non-specific encouragement from a total stranger, who happens to write and sing what I long to write and sing, if my actual physical skill would catch up to my brain. "Don't fear, don't fall, just turn and face the wall..."



However,

God was imprinting on my life, and I was constantly in the middle of trying to figure Him out, or figure myself out in light of Him. Who the hell am I, first of all, and once I figure that out, I have to figure out who YOU want me to be, God? Seriously? Why does everything have to be so heavy? I am waging constant mind-war most of the time, even today, as I go through the motions of this regular life. "...I'm like a convict with my hands locked over my head, I'm a dead man walking..."

So, one day I am planning to sing a great JKnapp tune, Hallowed, for our special communion service at church. That same time, I get an email from someone who writes, "I know you like her music, but you should know this..." and it's a headline about Jennifer Knapp coming out. Most people would probably gasp, or be all shocked and I don't know, heartbroken? Seriously folks. I may have only seen her that one time in concert, but, really. My honest reaction, 'Duh. That was a secret?' My real shock was in how everyone else reacted. Like she was killing puppies and kittens or something. In the midst of everyone else hoo-ing and haw-ing like they had been hoodwinked or something, I was honestly taken aback by their immediate transformation into pharisees. All of a sudden, JKnapp could no longer claim Christ. What?!? "I'm the one who keeps it on the inside, locked away from judgements wrong- I'm the one who keeps it on the inside, so they leave me alone..."

Jennifer Knapp was instrumental in my figuring myself out. Ok, maybe I don't want to give her that much credit, but I can seriously re-tell the story of my youth using her song lyrics. (Judge me not, ye saints, though my history may be tainted...) I do owe her a slight debt of gratitude for my sanity, I think, and for my current understanding of God, as He revealed Himself in my life. Which, coincidentally, pretty much has a Jennifer Knapp soundtrack. Like, picture my mom screaming up the stairs for me to turn down my music, circa 1999. What music am I turning down? Jennifer Knapp. Yeah, probably a little bit of Romans up in here, or Charity...they just need to be loud. What wonderful mix-tape is Seth ejecting as quickly as possible from the Jeep's tape deck, circa 2004, (how did I marry a man who doesn't enjoy JK?)...my trusty, all-encompassing JKnapp mix, complete with the oddball Wishing Well tunes that you can't find anywhere but eBay.

Anyway, let's fast forward to a few weeks ago, shall we? Because of my very best friend, also named Jen, whom God has blessed me with, undoubtably, I was on my way to New Jersey, to see Jennifer Knapp. Not just hear a concert- which would have seriously been amazing, but to hear her SPEAK. I already thought of her as brilliant, smart, genius, wordsmith of awesomeness, and I really had only heard her music. This is where we come full circle, folks.

Where the 17-year-old version of myself just went ga-ga over a singer singin' some songs, this older, "wiser" version of me was going to meet someone who's words were seriously etched into my psyche. What, exactly, do you say to such a person? Without sounding like a simple 'fan'? But also without sounding like some idol-worshipper?

I was on my way to meet Jennifer Knapp. Deep breath. Even after convincing myself in my head that I should never want to meet her, because it would be too brief, too fleeting, and I would never be able to convey how much her words meant, her voice, her songs...and would she even want to hear that? That's a hefty load, I would think. So, rather than have to balance my absolute love for JKnapp with like, rational human behavior...I resigned myself to not wanting to ever meet her or anything like that. But, God had other plans.

I met Jennifer Knapp. Yes, I did. Should I say it again? I met Jennifer Knapp. Met, spoke with, laughed with, hell, she even saw the words to one of my songs (sneaky best friend Jen...)- how the universe lined up for that to happen...I cannot comment on that. I was blessed. Beyond anything I deserve. Beyond anything I could have conjured in my head. Even as I totally stuttered my way through the first question I asked her (in front of the rest of the audience...of course- can't speak to save my life, but writing on a tablet strung around my neck would probably be more odd than the stutter, methinks.)and even though I could hardly breathe the entire time- I was swimming in some kind of euphoria. Every moment is forever in my brain, I can call them up and recall that utterly awesome time...a gift. A gift. As if the music, the feeling within it, the truth, honesty, the real-ness of it all- as if that isn't a gift itself?

I bought another copy of Kansas on that day. Took a little drive by myself a few days after the whole thing, played that cd front to back. The second I heard those first echo-y words of Faithful to Me, that was it. I was 17 again, discovering God, discovering versions of me, filtering life through various lenses, learning how to 'be'. Listening to those songs at 31, I realize, shucks, I'm still doing that same exact thing today. Making bad decisions, figuring stuff out, failing God, watching Him turn failures into something wonderful...just trying to be more than I was the day before. "Standing on the edge of myself, you know I'm longing for it- dive in, dive in..." I will always feel like this crazy, wayward spirit, stuffing myself into this 'normal' role of mother, wife, daughter, sister, Jesus-follower woman. There are moments I want to break out of that- ready to burst out of myself and just wreak havoc everywhere, on everyone, and truthfully, a little JKnapp music will steady my soul. I've chosen to be this version of me, in spite of my many options, some might have been 'truer' than others, but more difficult, and that does come with mental/spiritual/emotional consequences. Steady on, though, with a little music to make the way merrier... "Your voice will push me over the edge, you know I'm longing for it...dive in, dive in."

This life is weird. Nonsensical, tragic, beautiful, boring, and downright cruel sometimes. Knowing other people feel the same, or at least thinking they feel the same because they write songs with words and feelings that echo my own...its a comfort.

Nobody wants to be an island.
"I may be a fool to some, hero to others, but to you..."

conditional love? NOOOO!

I talked about this on Sunday. It has my head spinning. There are phrases in the Bible like, 'faith hope and love, and the greatest of these is love.' Love love love love, it's like a Beatles song up in there. Or something.

Is love one of the most misunderstood emotions ever? Is it just an emotion? Is it more? Certainly it is more than just feeling something. It has to be a state of mind, a lifestyle, an action, more than just some little tingle in your soul. Right?

I don't believe a person can know true love until they have known Christ- and really known Him, like, hyper-intimately. For some people this will mean tragedy and pain and hurt- and they will come to Him so broken and bruised and beaten, that the only thing that keeps them from the ultimate end is that love. Not love, but Love. With a capital L. The only way to properly write the word if you are going to talk about it in the context of God, of Jesus.

So, this Love- what about it? We need it. We crave it, even if we don't know that we do. It is the only thing that can sustain us, sometimes.

But, this Love- what else? We must represent it. Jesus, His physical body, is up in heaven sitting w/ God, praying for you, for me, for that guy, and that guy over there, and everyone else, too. His Spirit, whom He sent down to us, to live within us, to power us up like spiritual batteries- He is here, and He is who will help us demonstrate, represent this Love. Capital L Love.

God's Love does not operate on conditions, because as the Word says, "While we were still sinners, Christ died for us..." We will never stop sinning- but we will want to. Once the Spirit grabs hold of us, He does the convicting. Not your fellow Christian. Not your pastor or your therapist. Our job, those of us who bear the name of Christ, who dare to call ourselves Christians- we must live this Love.

What does that mean for you? I can't tell you that. You have to decide for yourself. But think of this Love, how much God loves YOU, and all your hang-ups, internal sins, difficulties that have no definition...He Loves you. Like crazy. He wants you, He wants your life, He wants to fulfill you and make you part of His plan. You already are a part of His plan. And so is that guy, and that girl, and that dude over there...And He Loves them just as much. So, when you see that guy or that girl, wherever you see them, at whatever point in their life, in that moment, whether in sin or in obedience- God LOVES them. What is your job, then? To love them as well? I think so. I believe that. I want to live that. I cannot take care of the sin, that is for Christ alone. But the Love? That part? It has been commanded of us: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. And the second is like it, Love your neighbor as yourself. And a new command I give you, Love one another as I have Loved you...
This is by far the hardest thing we are called to do, because we are exposed to sin and hopelessness and degradation of all kinds- to love in the midst of that, well, Christ gave us a hefty example to live up to. But let's try, ay?

"Hey, Peter, do you love me?"
"Yes, of course I do!!!"
"Then Love them, my sheep. Love them. One more time, brother, do you love me?"
"Absolutely, Lord, I do!"
"You heard what I said then, Love them. Take care of my sheep. Love them."

As Francis Chan says, paraphrased, I believe God wants us to love others so much that we go to extremes (EXTREMES) to help them...

Amen.

The Dastardly become moreso...

First off, I must comment on the word 'dastardly'. What a word. So old fashioned, yet still so cool. I like it. I expect to find it in an Alanis Morissette song. Beautifully used, as well. I love when people use words beautifully.

But, let's get down to business.
What a ruckus I am in. What a brain-funkadelic-fuming-fiery-inferno-festival of funk. Everything goes on as normal around me- other people's issues, family stuff, marriage stuff...and then there is this. This constant barrage in my brain of completely seperate struggle. My own, my very own, all alone, just me and my head. And God. If I let Him in. Usually don't, because His light shining on this crap just makes it all the more gory and shame-inducing. How can such a battle go on in someone's head, and never make it to the outside? Does that mean I'm winning? Or do we have some kind of truce? A spiritual battle is even more real than any fought on an earthly battlefield, this I know to be TOO TRUE. So, is that what I'm doing? If so, it sucks to be a single soldier.

You know those kids that dress all in black and wear eye-liner and like, trench coats, and they just kinda wander around staring at their shoes, and disdainfully glance at people...and then pull a frustrated hand through their jet-black hair and stomp off to some dark corner to practice their creepy lurking skills? You know those kids? I am so one of those. Just internally, not externally. Is this what it is to be a prophet? Is this why prophets yearned for each other, to hang out with, and share this bizarre BEING? To be constantly choking on the Glory of God as it burns into our heads...desiring to do His good work, but dumbfounded at the Awesomeness of it, at the infintisimal speck of our own existance when compared to His...UGH! I feel like a fly pleading with the swatter. Just do it! Swat me down, squish me up! Quick, before I make everything in here vile and germy. Please!

It it often a good exercise to think of the character of God. Totally good, all loving, all perfect, all just, all wonderful, all glorious. And then think of my own character...and here is where that wonderful word dastardly comes in. I'm not totally sure of the complete definition...but I think it fits. It is really an exercise in futility to compare yourself with the character of God. But that really is our measure. Right? Trying to be Christ-like. Realizing that is unattainable, obviously, and then stewing in the anguish of that.

Then, as quickly as you can, get back up and revel in the Truth: God's Grace is amazing. That I am still loved, even as I am this horrible creature. That God still uses me for His glory- unbelievable- even though my own thoughts and actions often grieve Him so. To keep working with me? I would have fired me long ago. But that, too, shows the character of our God. Forgiving, merciful. Trying to think of that instead of the depth of my own depravity. Always trying to think of that instead of that.

many times afraid

Every once in a while, a great fear takes over me, a fear that has no root, no form, no cause. Just that horrible, breathless feeling of simple fear and probably more so apprehension. Like a great wave is building just out of my sight, just the power deep down in the water, but no real ripple to see above. But there it sits in the pit of my stomach, churning, growing.
Most of the time, this fear without definition occurs while there is a lot going on in my life. Busy with the kids, busy with my mom, general craziness at home, maybe a small uprising at church...it all kinda comes together and then lands in my gut, as this fear. Maybe. I can't say for sure. Maybe normal people just call this a generalized anxiety disorder or something. I would rather consider it God keeping me on my toes. Reminding me that I desperately need Him, and I need Him in the middle of it all. One of my favorite verses is Isaiah 41:10. Do not fear. Why? Because I AM WITH YOU. Do not despair. Why? Because I AM YOUR GOD. That is about as simple as it needs to be. And because I need His constant reminding for that, I realize I need His constant everything. All the time, everywhere, in, around, over and through me. Consume me Father, lest the world takes me under in fear, doubt, shame, and regret. I am Your child. Let me not forget that....please.

so much to do, so little time.

Ok. By now we all know that being a followed of Christ is much more than going to church, living a slightly more moral than average life, and listening to the Christian radio station. But, our instructions from Christ in the parable of the sheep and goats tells us to feed, clothe, visit, etc, all of the least of these. If this were our absolute, finite instruction, then go get some gatorade cuz we gonna be busy. Thankfully, God is specific with us. He knows us each individually and has given us gifts, very specific gifts. Ephesians 2:10 tells us we are God's great masterpiece, every one of us, and we have been created in this new Christ-life to do certain good works, jobs planned out for us in advance of our very existence. Now, THAT is pretty specific, don't you think? So, while we can be zealous to serve, and jump in to any opportunity that come our way, I think there needs to be a tiny bit of prayerful caution. Is this what god had planned in advance for you to do? Or is the job, perhaps, for you to delegate? To aid another Christian in their quest to be obedient to our call to serve? Maybe? That is just something to think about. Inthe apostles delegated. Instead of blindly serving wherever the opportunity presents, we should seek the Lord's complete direction.

Along came a spider...

Ok. Awesome. Figured out how to blog via my phone. I am officially one of "those people". Addicted to my phone. Well, sort of.
I have been sans computer for two weeks. I'd like to think I am capable of surviving, but my brain is not. I need to write. For my own self. For me, not you random reader. I care not for your opinion. Honestly. I care only that what I have in my head gets out of it, and the best way is this. If it doesn't come out, it gets ugly in here. Ug uh lee. And then I can't stand being around people, or inanimate objects, or anything in this reality, actually. I find myself checking out. Or, checking in, perhaps is a better way of putting it. Because I go in. Way inside this stupid, havoc head of mine. Not quite as creepy as Vincent donofrio's brain in The Cell, but my own version of that creepiness.

So let's call this the first, introduction to mobile blogging, take 1. My kids think I am playing a video game on here and are getting too up in my face...so I must conclude, regretfully.

Diligent

This walk with You
Takes more than I have
So much to wade through
Your patience is a gift.

But could I fail?
And if I do, what then?
Do I wash away completely,
or do we begin again?

The lines in my forehead grow deeper
The rough skin on my hands
The scars along my arms
The tear stains across my cheeks
Signs of Your good work,
And my struggle against it.

What fills this heart,
What is Not of You
If shame had a face I would wear it.
Take me under, Father.
Under Your wings to hide and fight another day.
My broken heart yearns for rest-
A rest that does not exist here, in flesh.

For that day, Lord.
For that day I wait.


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Don't fall. Don't fall.
I am at a loss to feel this way.
Imaginary reaching
Eyes shut tight to keep the sight of you from burning
The sight of you from starting fires
Chaos under your thumb
Unaware
Blink and start over
Clear my throat
Take a deep breath
Surrender, obedient servant.
But creeping up slowly
to barely touch my heart
to barely scent my skin
to send a spark, then away, so fast.

I am still treading water
above a deep, dark crevasse.
So terrified of what is lurking,
but tired, tired of the churning,
ready for the black
ready for the black to swallow me up
and take me down
where everything will stop
and one moment will be forever.
A lie, but forever.
Everything will stop.

And then it rained.

There is a Truth that I think about more often than I don't think of it: God's strength is made perfect in weakness. What I wonder about is that word, weakness. What does that entail? How does it look in action? Weakness. I don't know if I have it down or not.

I do know that the more I break, the more I am utterly at a loss with myself, when I am so ridiculously pathetic in my own mind, suddenly I find myself shot out into some situation that requires me to be...not pathetic. And, by golly, the Spirit delivers through me. It's quite a miraculous thing to experience. But at the same time, it is odd to be in the midst of patheticism (I totally just made that word up, but it is a keeper.) and to find yourself doing something of God. There can't be anything more bizarre. To be utterly squashed in yourself, to be sickened, almost, with yourself and how (insert synonym for pathetic here) you are, and then to be quite literally catapulted into participating in something glorious.

What this says to me? Well, I wonder over it constantly. Why me, God? I am nothing special, nothing spectacular, and if ever I am, it is because of You, God. You are glorious, and I am barely a smouldering ash. You are Holy, and I am just shy of pure evil. How does this work, Lord? By mere fact of Your Being.

That is the bottom line. God is God. He is everything. Everything. We are smears on the pavement, yet because of His love, because of His Grace and Mercy, and pure awesomeness- He lifts us up to Him, lets us sizzle a bit in His Glorious Presence, and then sets us down again. He adores us and showers us with love, patience, mercy. This is God. Pure. God.

How could anyone not want to know Him? My heart, even though it breaks for it's pitiful, sinful self in the Light of His Glory, breaks even more for the people who don't seek Him. To know Him is to know just how depraved we really are, but to Know Him is to Know Love. We are nothing, nothing, nothing. But to Him and in Him, we are soooooo something.

Message for teens draft

The best way to start any sort of thing is with scripture. So I will begin with Ephesians 2:10, which says "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, works which have been prepared in advance for us to do." Have you heard that verse before? Does anything in it surprise you? How about that phrase, 'prepared in advance'? That is interesting, yes? 'Prepared in advance' of what? In advance of our birth? Our acceptance of Christ as Lord of our lives? Makes you wonder. But let's wonder farther. The core of this verse is this: Once we accepted Christ, we accepted His Way. We said, Yes, we will live a different life, in service of this wonderful God who has given us absolute freedom from our former bondage of sin, who has promised us eternity with Him! But what is that different life? Does your Christian life look any different than your former life? Maybe you stopped doing certain morally-iffy things. Stopped dropping f-bombs all over the place. Traded the Saturday night party circuit for hanging out with Christian friends at a coffee house or something. All that is well and good, yeah? But what about that Ephesians verse...

And, just to stir this pot of thought a little more, let's take a look at a pretty well-known verse, James 2:17. The NLT says it like this: 17 So you see, faith by itself isn’t enough. Unless it produces good deeds, it is dead and useless.

Just for fun, I have a little illustration, an analogy for ya'll. Let's say, on the day you accept Christ, you've gotten this Faith- and here is your Faith, this adorable, cute puppy. So, it's new, it's adorable, you love it, you are all about it, you spend every moment with it, thinking about it, doting on it, it's super. Yeah? You take it out and about, showing it to everybody. And it's all good. Fast forward a few months, and your Faith has grown- it's a gorgeous full-grown dog now. You don't go all ooey-gooey with it anymore, but you've got it with you all the time, being all loyal and taking it to church with you, keeping it close to you at home and stuff. But you aren't taking it out and about quite as much. You've kinda got into this mold, this way of 'doing' the whole faith thing. So, more fast-forwarding, maybe a few years, and there you are with your faith, in church every Sunday, rocking out on Wednesdays with your faith, hanging out with other Christians and their faith, making sure your faith is with you as you go through 'regular' life...yeah, your faith is there.
But now let's get serious. Fast forward to your death. To you, standing before God as He gets ready to decide what's going down with you. Now, Jesus stands right up, because you've got Him in your heart, you knew Him, right? And then God says, Show me your Faith in my Son. Show me. So, you yank on the leash that your Faith has always been connected to, right? Good old Faith, right there where he always is....except this is what you show to God: A decrepid skeleton of Faith. Dead Faith. That is one heckuva OMG moment, to be sure, yes?

So what is the deal? But isn't that what James is saying? You can have all the faith in the world, but unless you are manifesting that faith in your life by serving as our Lord served- how do you answer God with that? You can go around saying, "I've got faith in Christ" all you want, but on the day God says, "Prove it. Show me." what have you got then?

Let me show you a little example of just how serious this is: Jesus Himself says to us in Matthew 7:21-23: 21 “Not everyone who calls out to me, ‘Lord! Lord!’ will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Only those who actually do the will of my Father in heaven will enter. 22 On judgment day many will say to me, ‘Lord! Lord! We prophesied in your name and cast out demons in your name and performed many miracles in your name.’ 23 But I will reply, ‘I never knew you. Get away from me, you who break God’s laws.’
So, raise your hand if you call Jesus Lord. Yeah? So did these guys, these guys to whom Jesus said, "Get away from me, I never knew you!!" Um, shocker, ya think? You can call Jesus Lord all you want. Talk is cheap, yeah? "Only those who actually DO THE WILL of my Father in heaven will enter." Bam, there it is. So, we gotta do stuff to get into heaven? Yes, and no.
Back to our Ephesians 2, this time 8-9. 8 God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. 9 Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. There is nothing you can do to be saved, it is Christ alone through whom we are saved, make no mistake. You cannot work your way into heaven. You NEED Jesus. But right after this verse comes Ephesiand 2:10, back where we started: "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, works which He prepared in advance for us to do." We got marching orders. We are in the service of our King. He has it laid out for us!! Stuff designed just for us to be doing, with our gifts, with our talents, and most of all, with LOVE. Love for Jesus, Love for each other, and Love for everyone else. This is what it is all about.

Somebody, tell me, what is the Greatest Commandment? Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength! What does Jesus add on there? The second is like it- Love your neighbor as yourself. Then he says that everything HANGS on these two. Check it out in Matthew 22:36. Now, how about John 15:12. Jesus gives a 'new command'- Love each other as I have loved you. Now, he says LOVED you. This is before the cross. So how has He loved us? By serving- washing his disciples feet, humbling himself and giving, serving, loving His friends.

Let's check out Philippians 2:1-16 in the Message: 1-4If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don't push your way to the front; don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.
5-8Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself. He had equal status with God but didn't think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. Not at all. When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human! Having become human, he stayed human. It was an incredibly humbling process. He didn't claim special privileges. Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and then died a selfless, obedient death—and the worst kind of death at that—a crucifixion.
9-11Because of that obedience, God lifted him high and honored him far beyond anyone or anything, ever, so that all created beings in heaven and on earth—even those long ago dead and buried—will bow in worship before this Jesus Christ, and call out in praise that he is the Master of all, to the glorious honor of God the Father.
Rejoicing Together 12-13What I'm getting at, friends, is that you should simply keep on doing what you've done from the beginning. When I was living among you, you lived in responsive obedience. Now that I'm separated from you, keep it up. Better yet, redouble your efforts. Be energetic in your life of salvation, reverent and sensitive before God. That energy is God's energy, an energy deep within you, God himself willing and working at what will give him the most pleasure.
14-16Do everything readily and cheerfully—no bickering, no second-guessing allowed! Go out into the world uncorrupted, a breath of fresh air in this squalid and polluted society. Provide people with a glimpse of good living and of the living God. Carry the light-giving Message into the night so I'll have good cause to be proud of you on the day that Christ returns. You'll be living proof that I didn't go to all this work for nothing.

It's all about God and how our lives, how everything we do brings Him glory. Think of your faith not as what it keeps you from- sin, naughty business, shady stuff, etc- but think of your faith in terms of what YOU DO with it. Through your faith you have gifts, you have power. And all of that is to be used in Jesus' name, for God's glory. So that anyone who sees you will say, 'Whoa. I need to know this Jesus guy, I need to see what is going on with this whole God thing.'

It's very important, all of this. Remember what Jesus said to those guys- those guys who did call Him Lord! Remember that God has business for you to attend to- business He's had all planned out beforehand. How much have you missed out on by keeping your faith on a leash?

Here is one more way that Jesus makes Himself abundantly clear: This is a parable about judgment day- the big day, the be-all, end-all day-of-days. The Final Judgment 31 “But when the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit upon his glorious throne. 32 All the nations will be gathered in his presence, and he will separate the people as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33 He will place the sheep at his right hand and the goats at his left.
34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. 36 I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.’
37 “Then these righteous ones will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? 39 When did we ever see you sick or in prison and visit you?’
40 “And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!’
41 “Then the King will turn to those on the left and say, ‘Away with you, you cursed ones, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his demons. 42 For I was hungry, and you didn’t feed me. I was thirsty, and you didn’t give me a drink. 43 I was a stranger, and you didn’t invite me into your home. I was naked, and you didn’t give me clothing. I was sick and in prison, and you didn’t visit me.’
44 “Then they will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and not help you?’
45 “And he will answer, ‘I tell you the truth, when you refused to help the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were refusing to help me.’
46 “And they will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous will go into eternal life.”

What does that tell you? Did Christ talk to them about how they didn't get all drunk on a Friday night? How they didn't have pre-marital sex, how they didn't shoplift, how they didn't disrespect their parents? Don't get me wrong, that all matters because we need to be the whole package, right? But look at what He points out to them! Think about that, and think about what you need to be doing to be on that sheep side instead of the goat side, yeah?

The important thing is to do all of this together- remember we are a body, right? No wayward eyeballs rolling around alone trying to accomplish something that requires a thumb, or maybe an ear. It's got to be done together! Get together, and get moving! Find out who to you need to talk to in the church so you can get involved and fulfill the 'love each other' command- love your brothers and sisters by helping out with church activities! Help with the kids, serve in the nursery, volunteer for FLOW, I'm sure the opportunities are out there. And then, get moving on the 'love your neighbor' command. Find a ministry and hook up with them to feed the hungry in Lancaster city, hook up with a food bank, Salvation Army, or organize something yourself! You will only fail if you do nothing. Mother Theresa said, We cannot do great things, but small things with great love.

Because that is the bottom line. Our Lord LOVES us, He loves everyone! We've got to be that Love. We must be that Love!! And do not doubt this: You will be blessed beyond your imagination, you will witness the glory of God firsthand, you will see miracles, and you will experience a relationship with our Great God like you would have never thought possible. I will say it again, do not doubt this! He does not join us in our work, but we join Him in His. Live life as you were meant to live it. Starting now.

Flippin' Phillipians...

Phil 1:6 And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.

It seems as if the moment I accepted Christ, in that same instant my heart began longing for 'real life'- eternity in heaven with my Lord. Forever. and Ever. Unending joy, love like no other love. All around, over, through, within me.

So, you could also say that from that moment, I began to hate this life. I feel terrible saying that, of course. And I don't believe God approves of my ever-growing melancholy toward this existence, because He's got work for me to do, and He can't have me being all grumbly. We are supposed to serve with joy. And usually, I do, I think.

But God started this work within me, and Paul is certain it will be completed. To me, that means refining. Smashing into a thousand pieces and being rebuilt by God from the ground up. And not just once, but a few times, maybe a million or two. I don't like it, but I know I need it.

My oh my, I have been a grumbly prophet of late. Purposefully focusing on being grumpy so I don't have to pay attention to whatever God is trying to impart. Lalalalalalala, can't hear you...lalalalala. So, now, at this point, not only is God trying to impart the business I need to take care of, He's also burning some things out of me- burning out all the bad, all the nasties. He WILL continue this work in me, so help Him, or...

People talk about 'falling from Grace'. That would be so easy...if you are allowed to fall. I am probably thinking way too highly of myself, yet not quite highly enough of God when I say that He won't let me fall. I will continue to be 'tortured' in my brain until I get what I need to get. I am not allowed to become an alcoholic or drug addict or adultress or shady fugitive from justice. There are days when I so want to be one of those, just screw up so mightily that people will never be able to trust my words again. That I will be useless. Too busted up to be any kind of authority. But, as I wrote in my previous little bit of blah-blah-blah- God has got me in His grip. And He is not letting go. And I praise Him for it. Loved that much. Can't quite wrap my head around it.

Not my Own

Take a picture of this life, take a few, heck, make a pretty scrap book. Now, add the story. Tell me the past, the present, and the probable future of those people. Will you be right? Or will you be totally off? Totally wrong?

If those photos were of my life I don't think there would be an answer, a proper reading of this life. Because there is all that 'out there', and then there is all this, 'in here'. I'm not living a double life, duh. But I am living something dual. And it ain't super fun. There are moments of pure joy that, in those moments, I would not trade for any kind of normalcy or predictability. But, there are also other moments.

I hate my brain. I hate that I cannot turn it over to God and let Him control me absolutely. I hate that I have to try.

Here we are, in this crap-hole of sinful existence, with sin all around us, over and through us. A million hands of sin, always reaching and trying to subvert what Christ has accomplished. I should be able to slap those long fingers of sin away with a simple swat, a simple piece of the Word that will shut it down, no problems.

And, I do that. I can do that. Rather, I can allow God's strength to overcome my own weakness, and I get over myself.

But, every once in a while, I feel like I am too exhausted, too engulfed in the realization that I am coming up so short of the Glory that God deserves heaped upon Him- so, so, so short. So disappointing, so miniscule in light of Him. That He chooses to use me, that's pretty much a terrible, sad joke.

Usually, when I feel God pushing me more than usual, I also feel a pull from 'somewhere' else. The bad pull. Lately, the push and pull is such that...I don't want to move. I can't move. If I don't move, I won't screw up. But if I don't move, I don't do what God has planned for me in advance. Standing on the edge of myself- either take a fall, or let God lift me. Or, stay where I am and peer over. What a wimp.

The reality is that I am not running things. I do not have control over my life. Either I let God, or I let sin. There is no middle. Right now, that is killing me. Killing me. Killing me. I'd say I should just sleep through it all- but that would be letting sin. To ignore God? Yeah. That's not morally gray- that's pretty clear. I'll wind up inside a whale.

My prophet-buddy Ezekiel:
14-15 The Spirit lifted me and took me away. I went bitterly and angrily. I didn't want to go. But God had me in his grip. I arrived among the exiles who lived near the Kebar River at Tel Aviv. I came to where they were living and sat there for seven days, appalled.
16 At the end of the seven days, I received this Message from God:
17-19 "Son of man, I've made you a watchman for the family of Israel. Whenever you hear me say something, warn them for me. If I say to the wicked, 'You are going to die,' and you don't sound the alarm warning them that it's a matter of life or death, they will die and it will be your fault. I'll hold you responsible. But if you warn the wicked and they keep right on sinning anyway, they'll most certainly die for their sin, but you won't die. You'll have saved your life.
20-21 "And if the righteous turn back from living righteously and take up with evil when I step in and put them in a hard place, they'll die. If you haven't warned them, they'll die because of their sins, and none of the right things they've done will count for anything—and I'll hold you responsible. But if you warn these righteous people not to sin and they listen to you, they'll live because they took the warning—and again, you'll have saved your life."


You see that line I made huge and dark and italic? : The Spirit lifted me and took me away. I went bitterly and angrily. I didn't want to go. But God had me in his grip. THAT is every day for me, sometimes. I do not want to go. I'm a grumpy prophet. Grumpy grumpy grumpy.

But that is what goes on in my head, and every so often, peeks out into this fleshly existence. And then I'm seen as a bi-polar crazy person who should be committed or put on mind-altering psychotropic drugs. Depressed. You can't cure spiritual warfare with a pill. If you could...would I be first in line to take it? Maybe some days.

Jesus says His yoke is easy and His burden is light. And that is Truth. When it doesn't feel that way- that is my fault, not His. I just need my heart to catch up with my head, sometimes.

Padlock broken.

Bruised, busted.
Misused, disgusted.
Always standing at a precipice.
Waiting for You.
Trusting in Truth.
I know what I know, but do I believe?

How many chances do I get, Lord,
And how many times can you fix what I've become?
Everytime I step away from you, even for a moment-
This damage I do, will it carry to eternity?

How can you use someone so broken?
Your perfect Will being done with these shaking hands?
Words of power spoken in a stutter, Father-
How do you love me? Rather, why?

Mourning, faithless.
Coward, worthless.
Words tied to me like a yoke upon my back.
Standing in your light, Lord-
Burned beyond recognition
This little pile of ash and smouldered dirt
A smear, a stain
Yet it's all mine, this lie, this pain-

Because of who You are-
Because of the Truth that overflows my heart-
Because of Love made flesh and bone
Because of who You are-

The joy creeps up slowly, the smile will fight to find its place upon my face-
Knowing the wretch that I am, yet standing beside me, lifting me up-
Humbled, refined
damage redesigned-

Because Your love lets His blood run red-
Let it be to me as you have said.

Undone

"All the chisels I've dulled carving idols of stone that have crumbled like sands 'neath the waves, I have wrecklessly built all my dreams in the sand just to watch them all wash away. Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile to One who sees past all I see- I'm reaching out with my weary hand and I pray that You understand, You're the only One who's faithful to me."

That little song tidbit, another blessed verse from my dearest and best, Jennifer Knapp- I honestly used to sit on the corner of my bed and sing it in my head. Lifting it as prayer, as comfort for myself, as apology, as whatever it needed to be at that point in time.

We put so much time in to trying to be faithful to God- and rightly so- our faith is so important, active faith, faith that moves and shows itself. However, if we stop to think about God and HIS faithfulness? Prepare for awe. How many times has He waited for me to grow up, get it right, knock it off, suck it up? How long does he wait for me to snap out of my own self-indulgent brain-mess so I can focus on Him and His work? That is faithfulness. That He doesn't pack it up with me and move on to someone else! That I'm not totally fired and somebody younger, fresher is brought in to renew His purposes. Wow.

Not only that, but as He is faithful through all of that, He is still faithful to love me, lavish me with affection and provision. With blessings. This is the God we serve, the God we love with all heart, mind, soul and strength. We cannot begin to touch His great faithfulness with our own, but we can wonder at His faithfulness, thank Him for it, and show others the way to that faithfulness - to salvation, peace, comfort, and eternity with Him.

I cannot wait. I cannot wait to see my Lord with my own eyes, to not have to contend with the amount of emotion that I would normally try to keep subtle, down in my gut so as not to freak anyone out...when I see Him- just try to shut me up. Just try to hold me back! I will never, ever stop singing.

The hope of that day, THAT is what keeps me striving. That I am blessed to witness 'God moments' and miracles here on this earth- just icing on the cake. A gift for this life to keep me excited for the next.

Cultivate excitement for our coming eternity spent with our Awesome God.

That dichotomy thing rearing it's ugly head all the time...

My chest feels like there is a foot crushing it. My heartbeat is irregular. My head has moments of absolute agony.

My stress level, apparently, is higher than I have experienced in a long, long time. This makes me think two things:

First, Lord, You are working on me. There is something I need to get, something I need to realize, something I need to come to terms with. Why I must do this while simoultaneously dealing with a few other things piled on top, that is Your great mystery, but I trust that "all things work for the good of those who love you." Just typing that and the foot let off a little. Deep breath.

Second, as much as You work on me Lord, the 'other' is there, working on me, dropping little pebbles of deceit and discouragement and fear and doubt...which I see as clear as day, yet still they dig in and tear out parts of my heart.

It is that I am in such a state that I need to just sit. Just. Sit. Let my brain go with it. Try doing that with three kids. Ok, now try doing that with three kids and not feeling guilty. And then add that on to the pile of goop here in my brain.

What a terrible, horrible wreck I am Lord! How do you use any of me? Ha, I know the answer to my own question. "For it is when you are your weakest that my strength is made perfect within you." So, Lord, what are we training for here? I am being made so weak- mentally, physically...will I be able to stand up spiritually? I do not doubt you, Lord, but me? Take me out of the equation. However you need to do that, Lord, 'Let it be to me as you will say..."

Let it be to me.

Romans 9:17
The Message (MSG)
14-18Is that grounds for complaining that God is unfair? Not so fast, please. God told Moses, "I'm in charge of mercy. I'm in charge of compassion." Compassion doesn't originate in our bleeding hearts or moral sweat, but in God's mercy. The same point was made when God said to Pharaoh, "I picked you as a bit player in this drama of my salvation power." All we're saying is that God has the first word, initiating the action in which we play our part for good or ill.

Lately, I can't help but send up prayers of questioning, accusation, confusion. I confess, I'm having a hard time with God these days. I am comforted in the fact that God is patient with my doubts, that He allows me to plod through these paths of spiritual struggle so that I may come closer to Him and re-cement our relationship. But in the midst of it? I admit I take issue with some of the things going on in loved ones' lives.

Why this suffering, Lord? Why are these people dealing with something that I wouldn't wish on an enemy, let alone someone I love? How is it fair? How is it right that someone who loves You and trusts You so much, would have this? I know all things work for the good of those who love you, and I may have to wait a while until I see the real Truth of that verse to come through in this situation- but honestly, Lord. This is something that has put my voice out- We are told to rejoice in You always, and even again, Rejoice! Where is my voice for that? When it comes to this Lord, I am silent.

I sought out the verse above for this situation. And I know what I am doing, what sin I am holding. A sin of pride, that I have some kind of idea what justice is, when the Lord is the author and perfector of Justice, in every sense. I KNOW this, my brain works. My heart? She lags behind. I can hear God loud and clear, "Oh, so you think this is harsh? You think I've got the wrong people here? That this should be on someone else? Want to give me any suggestions? Since you seem to know better than I..." That makes me laugh. I just gave God a sarcastic voice. Sarcasm has absolutely no part in God. At least the cruel kind. But you see where I struggle?

My heart is constantly playing catch-up with my head, in so many things. That is the hardest thing about being this prophet-thing. Knowing Truth, breathing it, drowning in it, yet still having this human heart that is so separate and lacking in holiness. Let me think of the Downhere song...

I'm learning to stand
The more that I fall down
It's the law of inversion
And it's all turned around
And I'm staggered by
The clash inside my soul
So purposed for good
But inclined for evil
It's justice and mercy, the old dichotomies
All along the front lines of my heart in both doubt and belief
The sinner, and the saint, the old arch enemies
All at war in me All at war in me
I was born depraved
But created for the Divine
With death in my bones
In my heart eternal life
I'd love for Eden
But I'd kill for Rome
A native in a land
That is not my home.

That is the whole human existence, summed up so nicely in song.

Knowing and Unknowing.

I have been on a philosophical roll, which is something I venture off on every once in a great while, usually at the mercy of hormones or some grand life crisis, or not so grand, usually, just grand in my own mind. But, this roll is still going- it's a longer-than-normal roll, so I am assuming it will continue until God has placed in my brain whatever it is He wants me to get. I love these times, and I hate them.

I love them because it is very evident that God is calling me closer- that, even though I know He always is right there, He is pursuing me, getting my attention. I get closer, He gets closer. I love it. I love reflecting on His character, who He is in the simplest terms, and in the most complex. That this God, who made everything, the universe, and the little ant crawling across my front porch at this moment- all this is in His mighty grasp- His mighty, caring, loving grasp. And then me, too. He's got me. He is all about me- in spite of me.

And that is also why these enduring times of deep thought also drive me mad. Taken to the highest heights of God's glory and overwhelming love, and then slammed down to the deepest depths of my own rotten self, me, the sinner, the total loser when it comes to temptation, the absolute, most loathesome creature ever created. Ugh. Get over yourself. Even self-loathing reeks of hubris.

Truth is, we do this...thing. The Lord and I circle around. He is doing everything right, being ever-so-realistic and perfect and calm and loving. I, on the other hand, duck and weave all over the place, maneuvering like a sugar-rushed toddler, giggling until SMACK- my idiocy and human-ness trip me up and leave me bleeding on the floor. God being God, He is there to clean me up. This part- this part I do not understand, even if I try to think of my own children. God knows I am going to do this. He knows I will gleefully jump forward into His Will, to serve as He has called me, with great joy, passion, fervor. He also knows I will, sooner or later, come to a startling halt via unsuredness, worry, anxiety, massive, disappointing lack of FAITH. Oh, that I could understand how God moves us. That I could understand the glorifying outcome of what begins as mess. I literally ache for the day when all is made known. I am not good at this Trust stuff.

I sometimes think it is cruel, to be like this. To have to trust. Why Faith? But I know why. The nature of our God, of His love. He is not content to just pound it into our brains that He loves us. He shows us, and in order for His love to be revealed- and not just whisking away the curtain of His love, but truly showing it, so that we feel and experience the absolute breath-taking perfection of His love- we exist as we do. Day by day, in His hands. There is no better place, even as doubts and fears threaten to send us fleeing.

Pursue me, Lord. And help me to pursue You.

Beware wolves...with no teeth.

The Word tells us to beware of wolves amongst us. Acts 20:29 tells us that false teachers, like vicious wolves, will come in among us and try to knock us off the Truth. In my bff Ezekiel's prophecies, he compares the LEADERS of Israel to wolves- vicious wolves.

Just so we are clear, the viciousness of these wolves is in the way they wreck the spiritual clarity of our souls. Obviously, they are going to appear AOK- the fact that they come in among us, or are, perhaps, leaders, only adds to the deception. Their destruction and wreckage is subtle, because it is spiritual.

Most Americans these days are so far away from any kind of spiritual reality, the 'other team' can plunder and pillage their souls at will. It doesn't take much. Many walk a tight rope of existence- ignoring the spiritual and constantly striving for the material, the earthly, the right now. One little nudge, and crash. Many even have a working knowledge of the spiritual, but keep it tidied away in a little box, to be brought out only during tough times, a death, holidays. Then away it goes.

So, it is very easy for these wolves to creep upon us, not even needing to bear their teeth, just gently grab us around our exposed necks, every so slightly, and SNAP.

I believe these wolves come in various forms- Anyone working for Christianity-lite or Christianity-trendy. That which changes with the next self-help fad or retro flashback. Keep everyone in superficial spirituality- that's their game. Just enough to make ya feel good, but sweep you away when the time comes. The luke-warm fit in here. No fervor, no passion. Just packaged smiles, clean cut, hip, pseudo-relevant, keep 'em in the kool-aid, but firmly in their seats stuff.

Star-sucking media mania, the giant, shiny, sparkly wolf of the pack. So sparkly. So hypnotizing. Gets you sucked in so fast, and so far that you don't even recognize reality even while you're in it. Fame and Celebrity have placed some serious starry-goggles on your eyes. Secular no longer simply means worldly, non-spiritual. It now clamors very loudly for the spiritual- just the wrong spirits.

The bricks. Old, stubborn, set in their ways. Can't budge 'em from the pews, nor wrestle the hymnals from their gnarled hands. Scowls running race-car lines across their brows. Your run-of-the-mill W.A.S.P.-y folk that you'll find beside the word 'hypocrite' in the dictionary. They know their verse, they say their prayers. But rigid, unbending, unforgiving they are.

Beware the wolves. They may not show their teeth, they may come at you as gently as a breeze. But once they work at you long enough, a breeze is all they'll need to be to blow you over. Beware the wolves.