That dichotomy thing rearing it's ugly head all the time...

My chest feels like there is a foot crushing it. My heartbeat is irregular. My head has moments of absolute agony.

My stress level, apparently, is higher than I have experienced in a long, long time. This makes me think two things:

First, Lord, You are working on me. There is something I need to get, something I need to realize, something I need to come to terms with. Why I must do this while simoultaneously dealing with a few other things piled on top, that is Your great mystery, but I trust that "all things work for the good of those who love you." Just typing that and the foot let off a little. Deep breath.

Second, as much as You work on me Lord, the 'other' is there, working on me, dropping little pebbles of deceit and discouragement and fear and doubt...which I see as clear as day, yet still they dig in and tear out parts of my heart.

It is that I am in such a state that I need to just sit. Just. Sit. Let my brain go with it. Try doing that with three kids. Ok, now try doing that with three kids and not feeling guilty. And then add that on to the pile of goop here in my brain.

What a terrible, horrible wreck I am Lord! How do you use any of me? Ha, I know the answer to my own question. "For it is when you are your weakest that my strength is made perfect within you." So, Lord, what are we training for here? I am being made so weak- mentally, physically...will I be able to stand up spiritually? I do not doubt you, Lord, but me? Take me out of the equation. However you need to do that, Lord, 'Let it be to me as you will say..."

Let it be to me.