Spirit! Spirit! Spirit!!!!

Some days I find myself obsessing over my life. My actions, my lack of actions, my treading water. I think I've written a few other times that I feel like I am screaming for God to take over- rend control of this ridiculous person from my sad, sorry hands. Begging for that, pleading for that. In all of that obsessing, I've found myself reaching for the Spirit and any little nugget of information I can get about Him. The Spirit is my helpful friend, my way out of this entrapment.
So, now instead of begging and pleading God to take my life from my hands, I'm begging the Spirit. Sometimes I think He's there, and other times, I think as much as I want Him to be there, I've pushed him away.

I am my own worst enemy. I think too much, I over-complicate EVERYTHING, and I involuntarily fight against everything that I know to be True. I know the TRUTH, so why can't I get my act together? Why can't my heart sync up with my head??

Spirit, you are the key to all of this. You consume me, and I can do the work that God has prepared in advance for me to do. I want to cease to exist in any form of my own, I want to be what you make of me, Spirit, and nothing more. Stomp me into the ground. There is nothing worth salvaging. Make me entirely new and entirely surrendered to You, Lord. This is what I pray and plead, every day, every moment. Shatter me.

Am I crazy for wanting that? I know the Truth, but the pride within me still wants to throw a few punches. Spirit, that's where you come in!!! Sanctify me!

Does not Compute

I have not grown accustomed to the fits and starts of living, or not living my own life for Christ. Each setback is like a shovel to the face. Each slip up is a sign of my ultimate and impending failure- total failure. Wow, I sound like an Alanis Morissette song. No wonder I gravitate toward her music. She uses big words and breaks two-syllable words into three-syllable words. Mmmm, syllables.

So we are having a tough time of it, Lord. I am, rather. You wait for me to get over myself like a infinitely patient mother waiting for her toddler to come out of a tantrum. I appreciate that, but at the same time, can't you rip me from my own hands? Can't you induce a God-coma so that I can bust out of this joint?

Right now, I am like this black-haired emo girl with her hair covering her eyes and a flock of ravens flying around my head. Internally, of course. Mothers of toddlers don't have the luxury of full-throttle selfish depression sabaticals. And I'm over myself enough that I can keep it all internal. Or at least confined to my head and this lovely Blog thing. If my thoughts aren't in my head, you'll find them typed out here. Blah blah blah blah blah blah.

So, this "funk". I hate it. If I knew what it was about, like, specifically, I could work myself out of it. My biggest fear is that this whole mess is going to require some kind of emotional apex. Until I reach that point of complete and total desperation, lose all grasp of my emotional structure that I have built up...see, it doesn't matter that I am begging God with every breath I have. That I plead with the Spirit to clobber me good. Somewhere, I am resisting. Resisting the breaking.

I don't know what I'm supposed to break about. I feel like my brain is waiting for my heart to catch up. My brain is the responsible adult, who uses logic and reason and Truth to move forward. My heart is this selfish little brat with a list of hurts that goes on and on into infinity, and she just wants to mope and mope and be emo. I am living in duality.

Ugh, why couldn't I have been a man? Am I some kind of experiment, Lord? Why must I be this roaring freak show of internal passion and emotion, rolling like waves through my entire being...yet what comes out is this...trickle? Who is controlling this?

Ah, that's enough for one evening, Alanis. Let's get back to whatever it is we're getting back to. Numbing myself or whatever.

What does it mean to follow Him?

Do you love Jesus? Really? Do I? I say I do. I feel like I do. I try my best to act like I do. Which one of those matters? All of them? Probably.

Jesus tells us to "love one another as I have loved you." That is his command right before he goes to the cross. How has he loved us? He was a servant. And not like, a casual one. He didn't just serve as the occasion popped up. No. He sought out opportunities to serve. He roamed the countryside looking for servant opportunities. His life was aimed at servanthood.

What is my life aimed at? Raising my boys? Loving my husband? Maybe those are more like responsibilities. I don't get a high five for doing that, because obviously, I would do that. I love my boys, I love my husband. Lots of people do that- love their family. But where am I aiming? What does my life say about me?

I know what I want it to say.

It is one thing to give of your abundance. And in America, we all pretty much have abundance. A fully stocked grocery store every five miles- that is abundance. To give as an American takes a bit more...

As Christians, our entire LIFE is to be our offering. What Christian can honestly say they give their entire life? I don't know a single one.

When Cain and Abel gave their offerings, look how God reacted. Cain gave out of abundance. Not much effort, not much sacrifice was required. He had five bucks and gave God one or two. Now Abel, he gave til it hurt. Brought out the very best, and when the best was gone, he gave the rest. He had five bucks and gave all five plus an iou for later. When we give, we are showing not only our love, but our faith. If you measured your love and faith by how much you sacrificed, gave to God or to others(which is giving to God, as well)- how would you measure up? Seriously. Look at the faith you think you have, and then look at the faith you demonstrate. Where is your faith located? In your mind/heart, or in your actions? Truly, if it is in your heart, as Jesus says, shouldn't it flow to your actions??? And if it doesn't, well...what does that say about the faith you think you have? This is what James is talkin' bout when he says Faith without Works is dead. Bam. Bam-a-lam.



I love Jesus. LOVE Him. I want to follow Him with all of me, not just the part I think I can spare. One Sunday a week. A Wednesday night each week and maybe a once-a-month type thing. No. I have to be living this with my entire existence, not some partitioned-off section. This should be my complete being. My entire self. Lifted up to God as my offering. That- all that- doesn't come close to what He deserves for all He is, but anything less than all of me is...not even on the fringe of the edge of worthy, even thought no part of me could be worthy.

Am I making any kind of sense? The time has come to stop the excuses. I belong to Christ- all of me, not part. If I live my life in any other way, what does that say about my God? What does that say about me to God?

I titled this blog a while ago- it's good old Mary's verse, a verse I love and adore for it's simple faith and humility. And it is how I long to live my life, and how I yearn to exist from every moment forward...I am the Lord's servant. Let it be to me as you have said..." or will say. Make me into something you can fill, Lord. Use me for Your good Will. My life is my offering, all I have to give, but I give it with great joy and the expectation that You will use it for Your glory. All glory to God in Jesus' name!