The Dastardly become moreso...

First off, I must comment on the word 'dastardly'. What a word. So old fashioned, yet still so cool. I like it. I expect to find it in an Alanis Morissette song. Beautifully used, as well. I love when people use words beautifully.

But, let's get down to business.
What a ruckus I am in. What a brain-funkadelic-fuming-fiery-inferno-festival of funk. Everything goes on as normal around me- other people's issues, family stuff, marriage stuff...and then there is this. This constant barrage in my brain of completely seperate struggle. My own, my very own, all alone, just me and my head. And God. If I let Him in. Usually don't, because His light shining on this crap just makes it all the more gory and shame-inducing. How can such a battle go on in someone's head, and never make it to the outside? Does that mean I'm winning? Or do we have some kind of truce? A spiritual battle is even more real than any fought on an earthly battlefield, this I know to be TOO TRUE. So, is that what I'm doing? If so, it sucks to be a single soldier.

You know those kids that dress all in black and wear eye-liner and like, trench coats, and they just kinda wander around staring at their shoes, and disdainfully glance at people...and then pull a frustrated hand through their jet-black hair and stomp off to some dark corner to practice their creepy lurking skills? You know those kids? I am so one of those. Just internally, not externally. Is this what it is to be a prophet? Is this why prophets yearned for each other, to hang out with, and share this bizarre BEING? To be constantly choking on the Glory of God as it burns into our heads...desiring to do His good work, but dumbfounded at the Awesomeness of it, at the infintisimal speck of our own existance when compared to His...UGH! I feel like a fly pleading with the swatter. Just do it! Swat me down, squish me up! Quick, before I make everything in here vile and germy. Please!

It it often a good exercise to think of the character of God. Totally good, all loving, all perfect, all just, all wonderful, all glorious. And then think of my own character...and here is where that wonderful word dastardly comes in. I'm not totally sure of the complete definition...but I think it fits. It is really an exercise in futility to compare yourself with the character of God. But that really is our measure. Right? Trying to be Christ-like. Realizing that is unattainable, obviously, and then stewing in the anguish of that.

Then, as quickly as you can, get back up and revel in the Truth: God's Grace is amazing. That I am still loved, even as I am this horrible creature. That God still uses me for His glory- unbelievable- even though my own thoughts and actions often grieve Him so. To keep working with me? I would have fired me long ago. But that, too, shows the character of our God. Forgiving, merciful. Trying to think of that instead of the depth of my own depravity. Always trying to think of that instead of that.

many times afraid

Every once in a while, a great fear takes over me, a fear that has no root, no form, no cause. Just that horrible, breathless feeling of simple fear and probably more so apprehension. Like a great wave is building just out of my sight, just the power deep down in the water, but no real ripple to see above. But there it sits in the pit of my stomach, churning, growing.
Most of the time, this fear without definition occurs while there is a lot going on in my life. Busy with the kids, busy with my mom, general craziness at home, maybe a small uprising at church...it all kinda comes together and then lands in my gut, as this fear. Maybe. I can't say for sure. Maybe normal people just call this a generalized anxiety disorder or something. I would rather consider it God keeping me on my toes. Reminding me that I desperately need Him, and I need Him in the middle of it all. One of my favorite verses is Isaiah 41:10. Do not fear. Why? Because I AM WITH YOU. Do not despair. Why? Because I AM YOUR GOD. That is about as simple as it needs to be. And because I need His constant reminding for that, I realize I need His constant everything. All the time, everywhere, in, around, over and through me. Consume me Father, lest the world takes me under in fear, doubt, shame, and regret. I am Your child. Let me not forget that....please.