Standing on the Edge of Myself: God, Guitars, and Jennifer Knapp

I believe in things coming full-circle. I just don't expect it to take a decade or more.

In early 1998, I was an angst-ridden teenager with notches in my belt for each of the ways I tried to cope with the reality before me. Alanis Morissette had me growing my hair miles long and lamenting "Uninvited" love, and I hadn't really experienced any actual invited attention up to that point. Sheryl Crow was making enough mistakes to have a "Favorite" and I had not quite mustered up the guts to make any real mistakes in all of my 17-18 years. Sarah McLachlan was all broken up about some Adia girl, I had nothing like that going on...But you get the picture. My reality was something altogether different than any of the music being offered to my ears.

To say I was searching for something may sound so cliche, but it is, in fact, what I was doing. Searching for myself, for God, for whatever it was in life that made it worth, you know, living. I wasn't suicidal, by any measure, but I felt like a person going through motions. Playing a part, being who I was supposed to be in my culture, my post-modern American Christiandom Consumer culture. But, secretly, on the inside, I was some kind of wanna-be bleeding-heart poet person, swimming in overly-complex philosophical thought all the day long. "Tired of choking in the shallow water I've been in, ready to be baptized with water and blood, come on push me under..."
One day during that swim stands out amongst the others.

I was 17, nearly 18, and attending some Christian music concert at the old Hershey Stadium. I was not overly-enthused, but just going because I was forcing myself to be social, and it sure beat sitting up in my room playing three chords on my guitar and thinking way too much.

Imagine my absolute glee when a twenty-something chick hits the stage with a guitar and starts singing these songs, with these words that just heaped gasoline onto the flames of my brain. Not to even mention the voice, sweet Lord, that voice was like a bolt of lightning that cracked into your ears and just lit up your soul. This girl was singing from her soul, that much was true. And I loved every second. I remember the exact feeling during that whole set, I had abandoned my friend to get closer to the stage, standing there amongst strangers, listening to something pure...I was nearly out of my skin. Just kept thinking, 'this, this is too much, incredible, who writes words like that? How does she think these things and sing these things and...' I don't remember how long the set was, but I remember nearly crying as she walked off stage, and then bolting to the merch table to pick up a copy of her cd, Kansas. Yeah. That was my introduction to Jennifer Knapp.

That cd, Kansas, was an oddity in my collection. I played that thing to death. Literally, it no longer functions, the lyric booklet is wrinkled, ripped, taped up, torn. The red pattern printed on the cd is all scratched up and peeling off. I loved that cd...loved it. Each song brings back a feeling, a moment- whether good or bad, or whatever. I remember growing through that music. I learned the songs on my guitar, quote them in conversation, they are a part of me. Truly. I was unable to buy another copy of the cd, just because I'm weird like that, it was so overwhelming that first time, hearing JKnapp, buying the cd, and then the rest of my life happened...I just couldn't go to a crappy music store and buy another copy. (Sorry, JKnapp.) I still have that cd, somewhere. We have moved so many times, and since it is truly in pieces, its...somewhere, in a box. I have a little heart-attack when I think about not knowing where it is, because of it's sentimental value...so I try not to think about it, la la la, not thinking, la la la.

I weaved in and out of Jennifer Knapp phases during my life, I wasn't overly-fanatical, but she definitely had a place in my life that other singers couldn't really claim...maybe Elton John, but he was more from age 12-18, whereas JKnapp was in the crucial, just entering adulthood era, I'm sure God totally had that planned out. Upon realizing she had released other cds (I did not exactly follow the Christian music scene) I scooped them up like precious gold or something- some months I just pushed repeat and listened over and over and over. I love her words. I love to think on them, it's like Dr. Seuss, Oh the Thinks you can Think! I started to write my own stuff in 2005 or so, learned a few more chords on my own crappy guitar...to say I was inspired isn't quite getting the whole idea. If my soul says I am some kind of poet/artist/singer person, then I am inclined to be that way with much help and non-specific encouragement from a total stranger, who happens to write and sing what I long to write and sing, if my actual physical skill would catch up to my brain. "Don't fear, don't fall, just turn and face the wall..."



However,

God was imprinting on my life, and I was constantly in the middle of trying to figure Him out, or figure myself out in light of Him. Who the hell am I, first of all, and once I figure that out, I have to figure out who YOU want me to be, God? Seriously? Why does everything have to be so heavy? I am waging constant mind-war most of the time, even today, as I go through the motions of this regular life. "...I'm like a convict with my hands locked over my head, I'm a dead man walking..."

So, one day I am planning to sing a great JKnapp tune, Hallowed, for our special communion service at church. That same time, I get an email from someone who writes, "I know you like her music, but you should know this..." and it's a headline about Jennifer Knapp coming out. Most people would probably gasp, or be all shocked and I don't know, heartbroken? Seriously folks. I may have only seen her that one time in concert, but, really. My honest reaction, 'Duh. That was a secret?' My real shock was in how everyone else reacted. Like she was killing puppies and kittens or something. In the midst of everyone else hoo-ing and haw-ing like they had been hoodwinked or something, I was honestly taken aback by their immediate transformation into pharisees. All of a sudden, JKnapp could no longer claim Christ. What?!? "I'm the one who keeps it on the inside, locked away from judgements wrong- I'm the one who keeps it on the inside, so they leave me alone..."

Jennifer Knapp was instrumental in my figuring myself out. Ok, maybe I don't want to give her that much credit, but I can seriously re-tell the story of my youth using her song lyrics. (Judge me not, ye saints, though my history may be tainted...) I do owe her a slight debt of gratitude for my sanity, I think, and for my current understanding of God, as He revealed Himself in my life. Which, coincidentally, pretty much has a Jennifer Knapp soundtrack. Like, picture my mom screaming up the stairs for me to turn down my music, circa 1999. What music am I turning down? Jennifer Knapp. Yeah, probably a little bit of Romans up in here, or Charity...they just need to be loud. What wonderful mix-tape is Seth ejecting as quickly as possible from the Jeep's tape deck, circa 2004, (how did I marry a man who doesn't enjoy JK?)...my trusty, all-encompassing JKnapp mix, complete with the oddball Wishing Well tunes that you can't find anywhere but eBay.

Anyway, let's fast forward to a few weeks ago, shall we? Because of my very best friend, also named Jen, whom God has blessed me with, undoubtably, I was on my way to New Jersey, to see Jennifer Knapp. Not just hear a concert- which would have seriously been amazing, but to hear her SPEAK. I already thought of her as brilliant, smart, genius, wordsmith of awesomeness, and I really had only heard her music. This is where we come full circle, folks.

Where the 17-year-old version of myself just went ga-ga over a singer singin' some songs, this older, "wiser" version of me was going to meet someone who's words were seriously etched into my psyche. What, exactly, do you say to such a person? Without sounding like a simple 'fan'? But also without sounding like some idol-worshipper?

I was on my way to meet Jennifer Knapp. Deep breath. Even after convincing myself in my head that I should never want to meet her, because it would be too brief, too fleeting, and I would never be able to convey how much her words meant, her voice, her songs...and would she even want to hear that? That's a hefty load, I would think. So, rather than have to balance my absolute love for JKnapp with like, rational human behavior...I resigned myself to not wanting to ever meet her or anything like that. But, God had other plans.

I met Jennifer Knapp. Yes, I did. Should I say it again? I met Jennifer Knapp. Met, spoke with, laughed with, hell, she even saw the words to one of my songs (sneaky best friend Jen...)- how the universe lined up for that to happen...I cannot comment on that. I was blessed. Beyond anything I deserve. Beyond anything I could have conjured in my head. Even as I totally stuttered my way through the first question I asked her (in front of the rest of the audience...of course- can't speak to save my life, but writing on a tablet strung around my neck would probably be more odd than the stutter, methinks.)and even though I could hardly breathe the entire time- I was swimming in some kind of euphoria. Every moment is forever in my brain, I can call them up and recall that utterly awesome time...a gift. A gift. As if the music, the feeling within it, the truth, honesty, the real-ness of it all- as if that isn't a gift itself?

I bought another copy of Kansas on that day. Took a little drive by myself a few days after the whole thing, played that cd front to back. The second I heard those first echo-y words of Faithful to Me, that was it. I was 17 again, discovering God, discovering versions of me, filtering life through various lenses, learning how to 'be'. Listening to those songs at 31, I realize, shucks, I'm still doing that same exact thing today. Making bad decisions, figuring stuff out, failing God, watching Him turn failures into something wonderful...just trying to be more than I was the day before. "Standing on the edge of myself, you know I'm longing for it- dive in, dive in..." I will always feel like this crazy, wayward spirit, stuffing myself into this 'normal' role of mother, wife, daughter, sister, Jesus-follower woman. There are moments I want to break out of that- ready to burst out of myself and just wreak havoc everywhere, on everyone, and truthfully, a little JKnapp music will steady my soul. I've chosen to be this version of me, in spite of my many options, some might have been 'truer' than others, but more difficult, and that does come with mental/spiritual/emotional consequences. Steady on, though, with a little music to make the way merrier... "Your voice will push me over the edge, you know I'm longing for it...dive in, dive in."

This life is weird. Nonsensical, tragic, beautiful, boring, and downright cruel sometimes. Knowing other people feel the same, or at least thinking they feel the same because they write songs with words and feelings that echo my own...its a comfort.

Nobody wants to be an island.
"I may be a fool to some, hero to others, but to you..."