Romans 9:17
The Message (MSG)
14-18Is that grounds for complaining that God is unfair? Not so fast, please. God told Moses, "I'm in charge of mercy. I'm in charge of compassion." Compassion doesn't originate in our bleeding hearts or moral sweat, but in God's mercy. The same point was made when God said to Pharaoh, "I picked you as a bit player in this drama of my salvation power." All we're saying is that God has the first word, initiating the action in which we play our part for good or ill.

Lately, I can't help but send up prayers of questioning, accusation, confusion. I confess, I'm having a hard time with God these days. I am comforted in the fact that God is patient with my doubts, that He allows me to plod through these paths of spiritual struggle so that I may come closer to Him and re-cement our relationship. But in the midst of it? I admit I take issue with some of the things going on in loved ones' lives.

Why this suffering, Lord? Why are these people dealing with something that I wouldn't wish on an enemy, let alone someone I love? How is it fair? How is it right that someone who loves You and trusts You so much, would have this? I know all things work for the good of those who love you, and I may have to wait a while until I see the real Truth of that verse to come through in this situation- but honestly, Lord. This is something that has put my voice out- We are told to rejoice in You always, and even again, Rejoice! Where is my voice for that? When it comes to this Lord, I am silent.

I sought out the verse above for this situation. And I know what I am doing, what sin I am holding. A sin of pride, that I have some kind of idea what justice is, when the Lord is the author and perfector of Justice, in every sense. I KNOW this, my brain works. My heart? She lags behind. I can hear God loud and clear, "Oh, so you think this is harsh? You think I've got the wrong people here? That this should be on someone else? Want to give me any suggestions? Since you seem to know better than I..." That makes me laugh. I just gave God a sarcastic voice. Sarcasm has absolutely no part in God. At least the cruel kind. But you see where I struggle?

My heart is constantly playing catch-up with my head, in so many things. That is the hardest thing about being this prophet-thing. Knowing Truth, breathing it, drowning in it, yet still having this human heart that is so separate and lacking in holiness. Let me think of the Downhere song...

I'm learning to stand
The more that I fall down
It's the law of inversion
And it's all turned around
And I'm staggered by
The clash inside my soul
So purposed for good
But inclined for evil
It's justice and mercy, the old dichotomies
All along the front lines of my heart in both doubt and belief
The sinner, and the saint, the old arch enemies
All at war in me All at war in me
I was born depraved
But created for the Divine
With death in my bones
In my heart eternal life
I'd love for Eden
But I'd kill for Rome
A native in a land
That is not my home.

That is the whole human existence, summed up so nicely in song.