Knowing and Unknowing.

I have been on a philosophical roll, which is something I venture off on every once in a great while, usually at the mercy of hormones or some grand life crisis, or not so grand, usually, just grand in my own mind. But, this roll is still going- it's a longer-than-normal roll, so I am assuming it will continue until God has placed in my brain whatever it is He wants me to get. I love these times, and I hate them.

I love them because it is very evident that God is calling me closer- that, even though I know He always is right there, He is pursuing me, getting my attention. I get closer, He gets closer. I love it. I love reflecting on His character, who He is in the simplest terms, and in the most complex. That this God, who made everything, the universe, and the little ant crawling across my front porch at this moment- all this is in His mighty grasp- His mighty, caring, loving grasp. And then me, too. He's got me. He is all about me- in spite of me.

And that is also why these enduring times of deep thought also drive me mad. Taken to the highest heights of God's glory and overwhelming love, and then slammed down to the deepest depths of my own rotten self, me, the sinner, the total loser when it comes to temptation, the absolute, most loathesome creature ever created. Ugh. Get over yourself. Even self-loathing reeks of hubris.

Truth is, we do this...thing. The Lord and I circle around. He is doing everything right, being ever-so-realistic and perfect and calm and loving. I, on the other hand, duck and weave all over the place, maneuvering like a sugar-rushed toddler, giggling until SMACK- my idiocy and human-ness trip me up and leave me bleeding on the floor. God being God, He is there to clean me up. This part- this part I do not understand, even if I try to think of my own children. God knows I am going to do this. He knows I will gleefully jump forward into His Will, to serve as He has called me, with great joy, passion, fervor. He also knows I will, sooner or later, come to a startling halt via unsuredness, worry, anxiety, massive, disappointing lack of FAITH. Oh, that I could understand how God moves us. That I could understand the glorifying outcome of what begins as mess. I literally ache for the day when all is made known. I am not good at this Trust stuff.

I sometimes think it is cruel, to be like this. To have to trust. Why Faith? But I know why. The nature of our God, of His love. He is not content to just pound it into our brains that He loves us. He shows us, and in order for His love to be revealed- and not just whisking away the curtain of His love, but truly showing it, so that we feel and experience the absolute breath-taking perfection of His love- we exist as we do. Day by day, in His hands. There is no better place, even as doubts and fears threaten to send us fleeing.

Pursue me, Lord. And help me to pursue You.