Phil 1:6 And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.
It seems as if the moment I accepted Christ, in that same instant my heart began longing for 'real life'- eternity in heaven with my Lord. Forever. and Ever. Unending joy, love like no other love. All around, over, through, within me.
So, you could also say that from that moment, I began to hate this life. I feel terrible saying that, of course. And I don't believe God approves of my ever-growing melancholy toward this existence, because He's got work for me to do, and He can't have me being all grumbly. We are supposed to serve with joy. And usually, I do, I think.
But God started this work within me, and Paul is certain it will be completed. To me, that means refining. Smashing into a thousand pieces and being rebuilt by God from the ground up. And not just once, but a few times, maybe a million or two. I don't like it, but I know I need it.
My oh my, I have been a grumbly prophet of late. Purposefully focusing on being grumpy so I don't have to pay attention to whatever God is trying to impart. Lalalalalalala, can't hear you...lalalalala. So, now, at this point, not only is God trying to impart the business I need to take care of, He's also burning some things out of me- burning out all the bad, all the nasties. He WILL continue this work in me, so help Him, or...
People talk about 'falling from Grace'. That would be so easy...if you are allowed to fall. I am probably thinking way too highly of myself, yet not quite highly enough of God when I say that He won't let me fall. I will continue to be 'tortured' in my brain until I get what I need to get. I am not allowed to become an alcoholic or drug addict or adultress or shady fugitive from justice. There are days when I so want to be one of those, just screw up so mightily that people will never be able to trust my words again. That I will be useless. Too busted up to be any kind of authority. But, as I wrote in my previous little bit of blah-blah-blah- God has got me in His grip. And He is not letting go. And I praise Him for it. Loved that much. Can't quite wrap my head around it.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Not my Own
Take a picture of this life, take a few, heck, make a pretty scrap book. Now, add the story. Tell me the past, the present, and the probable future of those people. Will you be right? Or will you be totally off? Totally wrong?
If those photos were of my life I don't think there would be an answer, a proper reading of this life. Because there is all that 'out there', and then there is all this, 'in here'. I'm not living a double life, duh. But I am living something dual. And it ain't super fun. There are moments of pure joy that, in those moments, I would not trade for any kind of normalcy or predictability. But, there are also other moments.
I hate my brain. I hate that I cannot turn it over to God and let Him control me absolutely. I hate that I have to try.
Here we are, in this crap-hole of sinful existence, with sin all around us, over and through us. A million hands of sin, always reaching and trying to subvert what Christ has accomplished. I should be able to slap those long fingers of sin away with a simple swat, a simple piece of the Word that will shut it down, no problems.
And, I do that. I can do that. Rather, I can allow God's strength to overcome my own weakness, and I get over myself.
But, every once in a while, I feel like I am too exhausted, too engulfed in the realization that I am coming up so short of the Glory that God deserves heaped upon Him- so, so, so short. So disappointing, so miniscule in light of Him. That He chooses to use me, that's pretty much a terrible, sad joke.
Usually, when I feel God pushing me more than usual, I also feel a pull from 'somewhere' else. The bad pull. Lately, the push and pull is such that...I don't want to move. I can't move. If I don't move, I won't screw up. But if I don't move, I don't do what God has planned for me in advance. Standing on the edge of myself- either take a fall, or let God lift me. Or, stay where I am and peer over. What a wimp.
The reality is that I am not running things. I do not have control over my life. Either I let God, or I let sin. There is no middle. Right now, that is killing me. Killing me. Killing me. I'd say I should just sleep through it all- but that would be letting sin. To ignore God? Yeah. That's not morally gray- that's pretty clear. I'll wind up inside a whale.
My prophet-buddy Ezekiel:
14-15 The Spirit lifted me and took me away. I went bitterly and angrily. I didn't want to go. But God had me in his grip. I arrived among the exiles who lived near the Kebar River at Tel Aviv. I came to where they were living and sat there for seven days, appalled.
16 At the end of the seven days, I received this Message from God:
17-19 "Son of man, I've made you a watchman for the family of Israel. Whenever you hear me say something, warn them for me. If I say to the wicked, 'You are going to die,' and you don't sound the alarm warning them that it's a matter of life or death, they will die and it will be your fault. I'll hold you responsible. But if you warn the wicked and they keep right on sinning anyway, they'll most certainly die for their sin, but you won't die. You'll have saved your life.
20-21 "And if the righteous turn back from living righteously and take up with evil when I step in and put them in a hard place, they'll die. If you haven't warned them, they'll die because of their sins, and none of the right things they've done will count for anything—and I'll hold you responsible. But if you warn these righteous people not to sin and they listen to you, they'll live because they took the warning—and again, you'll have saved your life."
You see that line I made huge and dark and italic? : The Spirit lifted me and took me away. I went bitterly and angrily. I didn't want to go. But God had me in his grip. THAT is every day for me, sometimes. I do not want to go. I'm a grumpy prophet. Grumpy grumpy grumpy.
But that is what goes on in my head, and every so often, peeks out into this fleshly existence. And then I'm seen as a bi-polar crazy person who should be committed or put on mind-altering psychotropic drugs. Depressed. You can't cure spiritual warfare with a pill. If you could...would I be first in line to take it? Maybe some days.
Jesus says His yoke is easy and His burden is light. And that is Truth. When it doesn't feel that way- that is my fault, not His. I just need my heart to catch up with my head, sometimes.
If those photos were of my life I don't think there would be an answer, a proper reading of this life. Because there is all that 'out there', and then there is all this, 'in here'. I'm not living a double life, duh. But I am living something dual. And it ain't super fun. There are moments of pure joy that, in those moments, I would not trade for any kind of normalcy or predictability. But, there are also other moments.
I hate my brain. I hate that I cannot turn it over to God and let Him control me absolutely. I hate that I have to try.
Here we are, in this crap-hole of sinful existence, with sin all around us, over and through us. A million hands of sin, always reaching and trying to subvert what Christ has accomplished. I should be able to slap those long fingers of sin away with a simple swat, a simple piece of the Word that will shut it down, no problems.
And, I do that. I can do that. Rather, I can allow God's strength to overcome my own weakness, and I get over myself.
But, every once in a while, I feel like I am too exhausted, too engulfed in the realization that I am coming up so short of the Glory that God deserves heaped upon Him- so, so, so short. So disappointing, so miniscule in light of Him. That He chooses to use me, that's pretty much a terrible, sad joke.
Usually, when I feel God pushing me more than usual, I also feel a pull from 'somewhere' else. The bad pull. Lately, the push and pull is such that...I don't want to move. I can't move. If I don't move, I won't screw up. But if I don't move, I don't do what God has planned for me in advance. Standing on the edge of myself- either take a fall, or let God lift me. Or, stay where I am and peer over. What a wimp.
The reality is that I am not running things. I do not have control over my life. Either I let God, or I let sin. There is no middle. Right now, that is killing me. Killing me. Killing me. I'd say I should just sleep through it all- but that would be letting sin. To ignore God? Yeah. That's not morally gray- that's pretty clear. I'll wind up inside a whale.
My prophet-buddy Ezekiel:
14-15 The Spirit lifted me and took me away. I went bitterly and angrily. I didn't want to go. But God had me in his grip. I arrived among the exiles who lived near the Kebar River at Tel Aviv. I came to where they were living and sat there for seven days, appalled.
16 At the end of the seven days, I received this Message from God:
17-19 "Son of man, I've made you a watchman for the family of Israel. Whenever you hear me say something, warn them for me. If I say to the wicked, 'You are going to die,' and you don't sound the alarm warning them that it's a matter of life or death, they will die and it will be your fault. I'll hold you responsible. But if you warn the wicked and they keep right on sinning anyway, they'll most certainly die for their sin, but you won't die. You'll have saved your life.
20-21 "And if the righteous turn back from living righteously and take up with evil when I step in and put them in a hard place, they'll die. If you haven't warned them, they'll die because of their sins, and none of the right things they've done will count for anything—and I'll hold you responsible. But if you warn these righteous people not to sin and they listen to you, they'll live because they took the warning—and again, you'll have saved your life."
You see that line I made huge and dark and italic? : The Spirit lifted me and took me away. I went bitterly and angrily. I didn't want to go. But God had me in his grip. THAT is every day for me, sometimes. I do not want to go. I'm a grumpy prophet. Grumpy grumpy grumpy.
But that is what goes on in my head, and every so often, peeks out into this fleshly existence. And then I'm seen as a bi-polar crazy person who should be committed or put on mind-altering psychotropic drugs. Depressed. You can't cure spiritual warfare with a pill. If you could...would I be first in line to take it? Maybe some days.
Jesus says His yoke is easy and His burden is light. And that is Truth. When it doesn't feel that way- that is my fault, not His. I just need my heart to catch up with my head, sometimes.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Padlock broken.
Bruised, busted.
Misused, disgusted.
Always standing at a precipice.
Waiting for You.
Trusting in Truth.
I know what I know, but do I believe?
How many chances do I get, Lord,
And how many times can you fix what I've become?
Everytime I step away from you, even for a moment-
This damage I do, will it carry to eternity?
How can you use someone so broken?
Your perfect Will being done with these shaking hands?
Words of power spoken in a stutter, Father-
How do you love me? Rather, why?
Mourning, faithless.
Coward, worthless.
Words tied to me like a yoke upon my back.
Standing in your light, Lord-
Burned beyond recognition
This little pile of ash and smouldered dirt
A smear, a stain
Yet it's all mine, this lie, this pain-
Because of who You are-
Because of the Truth that overflows my heart-
Because of Love made flesh and bone
Because of who You are-
The joy creeps up slowly, the smile will fight to find its place upon my face-
Knowing the wretch that I am, yet standing beside me, lifting me up-
Humbled, refined
damage redesigned-
Because Your love lets His blood run red-
Let it be to me as you have said.
Misused, disgusted.
Always standing at a precipice.
Waiting for You.
Trusting in Truth.
I know what I know, but do I believe?
How many chances do I get, Lord,
And how many times can you fix what I've become?
Everytime I step away from you, even for a moment-
This damage I do, will it carry to eternity?
How can you use someone so broken?
Your perfect Will being done with these shaking hands?
Words of power spoken in a stutter, Father-
How do you love me? Rather, why?
Mourning, faithless.
Coward, worthless.
Words tied to me like a yoke upon my back.
Standing in your light, Lord-
Burned beyond recognition
This little pile of ash and smouldered dirt
A smear, a stain
Yet it's all mine, this lie, this pain-
Because of who You are-
Because of the Truth that overflows my heart-
Because of Love made flesh and bone
Because of who You are-
The joy creeps up slowly, the smile will fight to find its place upon my face-
Knowing the wretch that I am, yet standing beside me, lifting me up-
Humbled, refined
damage redesigned-
Because Your love lets His blood run red-
Let it be to me as you have said.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Undone
"All the chisels I've dulled carving idols of stone that have crumbled like sands 'neath the waves, I have wrecklessly built all my dreams in the sand just to watch them all wash away. Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile to One who sees past all I see- I'm reaching out with my weary hand and I pray that You understand, You're the only One who's faithful to me."
That little song tidbit, another blessed verse from my dearest and best, Jennifer Knapp- I honestly used to sit on the corner of my bed and sing it in my head. Lifting it as prayer, as comfort for myself, as apology, as whatever it needed to be at that point in time.
We put so much time in to trying to be faithful to God- and rightly so- our faith is so important, active faith, faith that moves and shows itself. However, if we stop to think about God and HIS faithfulness? Prepare for awe. How many times has He waited for me to grow up, get it right, knock it off, suck it up? How long does he wait for me to snap out of my own self-indulgent brain-mess so I can focus on Him and His work? That is faithfulness. That He doesn't pack it up with me and move on to someone else! That I'm not totally fired and somebody younger, fresher is brought in to renew His purposes. Wow.
Not only that, but as He is faithful through all of that, He is still faithful to love me, lavish me with affection and provision. With blessings. This is the God we serve, the God we love with all heart, mind, soul and strength. We cannot begin to touch His great faithfulness with our own, but we can wonder at His faithfulness, thank Him for it, and show others the way to that faithfulness - to salvation, peace, comfort, and eternity with Him.
I cannot wait. I cannot wait to see my Lord with my own eyes, to not have to contend with the amount of emotion that I would normally try to keep subtle, down in my gut so as not to freak anyone out...when I see Him- just try to shut me up. Just try to hold me back! I will never, ever stop singing.
The hope of that day, THAT is what keeps me striving. That I am blessed to witness 'God moments' and miracles here on this earth- just icing on the cake. A gift for this life to keep me excited for the next.
Cultivate excitement for our coming eternity spent with our Awesome God.
That little song tidbit, another blessed verse from my dearest and best, Jennifer Knapp- I honestly used to sit on the corner of my bed and sing it in my head. Lifting it as prayer, as comfort for myself, as apology, as whatever it needed to be at that point in time.
We put so much time in to trying to be faithful to God- and rightly so- our faith is so important, active faith, faith that moves and shows itself. However, if we stop to think about God and HIS faithfulness? Prepare for awe. How many times has He waited for me to grow up, get it right, knock it off, suck it up? How long does he wait for me to snap out of my own self-indulgent brain-mess so I can focus on Him and His work? That is faithfulness. That He doesn't pack it up with me and move on to someone else! That I'm not totally fired and somebody younger, fresher is brought in to renew His purposes. Wow.
Not only that, but as He is faithful through all of that, He is still faithful to love me, lavish me with affection and provision. With blessings. This is the God we serve, the God we love with all heart, mind, soul and strength. We cannot begin to touch His great faithfulness with our own, but we can wonder at His faithfulness, thank Him for it, and show others the way to that faithfulness - to salvation, peace, comfort, and eternity with Him.
I cannot wait. I cannot wait to see my Lord with my own eyes, to not have to contend with the amount of emotion that I would normally try to keep subtle, down in my gut so as not to freak anyone out...when I see Him- just try to shut me up. Just try to hold me back! I will never, ever stop singing.
The hope of that day, THAT is what keeps me striving. That I am blessed to witness 'God moments' and miracles here on this earth- just icing on the cake. A gift for this life to keep me excited for the next.
Cultivate excitement for our coming eternity spent with our Awesome God.
Monday, July 4, 2011
That dichotomy thing rearing it's ugly head all the time...
My chest feels like there is a foot crushing it. My heartbeat is irregular. My head has moments of absolute agony.
My stress level, apparently, is higher than I have experienced in a long, long time. This makes me think two things:
First, Lord, You are working on me. There is something I need to get, something I need to realize, something I need to come to terms with. Why I must do this while simoultaneously dealing with a few other things piled on top, that is Your great mystery, but I trust that "all things work for the good of those who love you." Just typing that and the foot let off a little. Deep breath.
Second, as much as You work on me Lord, the 'other' is there, working on me, dropping little pebbles of deceit and discouragement and fear and doubt...which I see as clear as day, yet still they dig in and tear out parts of my heart.
It is that I am in such a state that I need to just sit. Just. Sit. Let my brain go with it. Try doing that with three kids. Ok, now try doing that with three kids and not feeling guilty. And then add that on to the pile of goop here in my brain.
What a terrible, horrible wreck I am Lord! How do you use any of me? Ha, I know the answer to my own question. "For it is when you are your weakest that my strength is made perfect within you." So, Lord, what are we training for here? I am being made so weak- mentally, physically...will I be able to stand up spiritually? I do not doubt you, Lord, but me? Take me out of the equation. However you need to do that, Lord, 'Let it be to me as you will say..."
Let it be to me.
My stress level, apparently, is higher than I have experienced in a long, long time. This makes me think two things:
First, Lord, You are working on me. There is something I need to get, something I need to realize, something I need to come to terms with. Why I must do this while simoultaneously dealing with a few other things piled on top, that is Your great mystery, but I trust that "all things work for the good of those who love you." Just typing that and the foot let off a little. Deep breath.
Second, as much as You work on me Lord, the 'other' is there, working on me, dropping little pebbles of deceit and discouragement and fear and doubt...which I see as clear as day, yet still they dig in and tear out parts of my heart.
It is that I am in such a state that I need to just sit. Just. Sit. Let my brain go with it. Try doing that with three kids. Ok, now try doing that with three kids and not feeling guilty. And then add that on to the pile of goop here in my brain.
What a terrible, horrible wreck I am Lord! How do you use any of me? Ha, I know the answer to my own question. "For it is when you are your weakest that my strength is made perfect within you." So, Lord, what are we training for here? I am being made so weak- mentally, physically...will I be able to stand up spiritually? I do not doubt you, Lord, but me? Take me out of the equation. However you need to do that, Lord, 'Let it be to me as you will say..."
Let it be to me.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Romans 9:17
The Message (MSG)
14-18Is that grounds for complaining that God is unfair? Not so fast, please. God told Moses, "I'm in charge of mercy. I'm in charge of compassion." Compassion doesn't originate in our bleeding hearts or moral sweat, but in God's mercy. The same point was made when God said to Pharaoh, "I picked you as a bit player in this drama of my salvation power." All we're saying is that God has the first word, initiating the action in which we play our part for good or ill.
Lately, I can't help but send up prayers of questioning, accusation, confusion. I confess, I'm having a hard time with God these days. I am comforted in the fact that God is patient with my doubts, that He allows me to plod through these paths of spiritual struggle so that I may come closer to Him and re-cement our relationship. But in the midst of it? I admit I take issue with some of the things going on in loved ones' lives.
Why this suffering, Lord? Why are these people dealing with something that I wouldn't wish on an enemy, let alone someone I love? How is it fair? How is it right that someone who loves You and trusts You so much, would have this? I know all things work for the good of those who love you, and I may have to wait a while until I see the real Truth of that verse to come through in this situation- but honestly, Lord. This is something that has put my voice out- We are told to rejoice in You always, and even again, Rejoice! Where is my voice for that? When it comes to this Lord, I am silent.
I sought out the verse above for this situation. And I know what I am doing, what sin I am holding. A sin of pride, that I have some kind of idea what justice is, when the Lord is the author and perfector of Justice, in every sense. I KNOW this, my brain works. My heart? She lags behind. I can hear God loud and clear, "Oh, so you think this is harsh? You think I've got the wrong people here? That this should be on someone else? Want to give me any suggestions? Since you seem to know better than I..." That makes me laugh. I just gave God a sarcastic voice. Sarcasm has absolutely no part in God. At least the cruel kind. But you see where I struggle?
My heart is constantly playing catch-up with my head, in so many things. That is the hardest thing about being this prophet-thing. Knowing Truth, breathing it, drowning in it, yet still having this human heart that is so separate and lacking in holiness. Let me think of the Downhere song...
I'm learning to stand
The more that I fall down
It's the law of inversion
And it's all turned around
And I'm staggered by
The clash inside my soul
So purposed for good
But inclined for evil
It's justice and mercy, the old dichotomies
All along the front lines of my heart in both doubt and belief
The sinner, and the saint, the old arch enemies
All at war in me All at war in me
I was born depraved
But created for the Divine
With death in my bones
In my heart eternal life
I'd love for Eden
But I'd kill for Rome
A native in a land
That is not my home.
That is the whole human existence, summed up so nicely in song.
The Message (MSG)
14-18Is that grounds for complaining that God is unfair? Not so fast, please. God told Moses, "I'm in charge of mercy. I'm in charge of compassion." Compassion doesn't originate in our bleeding hearts or moral sweat, but in God's mercy. The same point was made when God said to Pharaoh, "I picked you as a bit player in this drama of my salvation power." All we're saying is that God has the first word, initiating the action in which we play our part for good or ill.
Lately, I can't help but send up prayers of questioning, accusation, confusion. I confess, I'm having a hard time with God these days. I am comforted in the fact that God is patient with my doubts, that He allows me to plod through these paths of spiritual struggle so that I may come closer to Him and re-cement our relationship. But in the midst of it? I admit I take issue with some of the things going on in loved ones' lives.
Why this suffering, Lord? Why are these people dealing with something that I wouldn't wish on an enemy, let alone someone I love? How is it fair? How is it right that someone who loves You and trusts You so much, would have this? I know all things work for the good of those who love you, and I may have to wait a while until I see the real Truth of that verse to come through in this situation- but honestly, Lord. This is something that has put my voice out- We are told to rejoice in You always, and even again, Rejoice! Where is my voice for that? When it comes to this Lord, I am silent.
I sought out the verse above for this situation. And I know what I am doing, what sin I am holding. A sin of pride, that I have some kind of idea what justice is, when the Lord is the author and perfector of Justice, in every sense. I KNOW this, my brain works. My heart? She lags behind. I can hear God loud and clear, "Oh, so you think this is harsh? You think I've got the wrong people here? That this should be on someone else? Want to give me any suggestions? Since you seem to know better than I..." That makes me laugh. I just gave God a sarcastic voice. Sarcasm has absolutely no part in God. At least the cruel kind. But you see where I struggle?
My heart is constantly playing catch-up with my head, in so many things. That is the hardest thing about being this prophet-thing. Knowing Truth, breathing it, drowning in it, yet still having this human heart that is so separate and lacking in holiness. Let me think of the Downhere song...
I'm learning to stand
The more that I fall down
It's the law of inversion
And it's all turned around
And I'm staggered by
The clash inside my soul
So purposed for good
But inclined for evil
It's justice and mercy, the old dichotomies
All along the front lines of my heart in both doubt and belief
The sinner, and the saint, the old arch enemies
All at war in me All at war in me
I was born depraved
But created for the Divine
With death in my bones
In my heart eternal life
I'd love for Eden
But I'd kill for Rome
A native in a land
That is not my home.
That is the whole human existence, summed up so nicely in song.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Knowing and Unknowing.
I have been on a philosophical roll, which is something I venture off on every once in a great while, usually at the mercy of hormones or some grand life crisis, or not so grand, usually, just grand in my own mind. But, this roll is still going- it's a longer-than-normal roll, so I am assuming it will continue until God has placed in my brain whatever it is He wants me to get. I love these times, and I hate them.
I love them because it is very evident that God is calling me closer- that, even though I know He always is right there, He is pursuing me, getting my attention. I get closer, He gets closer. I love it. I love reflecting on His character, who He is in the simplest terms, and in the most complex. That this God, who made everything, the universe, and the little ant crawling across my front porch at this moment- all this is in His mighty grasp- His mighty, caring, loving grasp. And then me, too. He's got me. He is all about me- in spite of me.
And that is also why these enduring times of deep thought also drive me mad. Taken to the highest heights of God's glory and overwhelming love, and then slammed down to the deepest depths of my own rotten self, me, the sinner, the total loser when it comes to temptation, the absolute, most loathesome creature ever created. Ugh. Get over yourself. Even self-loathing reeks of hubris.
Truth is, we do this...thing. The Lord and I circle around. He is doing everything right, being ever-so-realistic and perfect and calm and loving. I, on the other hand, duck and weave all over the place, maneuvering like a sugar-rushed toddler, giggling until SMACK- my idiocy and human-ness trip me up and leave me bleeding on the floor. God being God, He is there to clean me up. This part- this part I do not understand, even if I try to think of my own children. God knows I am going to do this. He knows I will gleefully jump forward into His Will, to serve as He has called me, with great joy, passion, fervor. He also knows I will, sooner or later, come to a startling halt via unsuredness, worry, anxiety, massive, disappointing lack of FAITH. Oh, that I could understand how God moves us. That I could understand the glorifying outcome of what begins as mess. I literally ache for the day when all is made known. I am not good at this Trust stuff.
I sometimes think it is cruel, to be like this. To have to trust. Why Faith? But I know why. The nature of our God, of His love. He is not content to just pound it into our brains that He loves us. He shows us, and in order for His love to be revealed- and not just whisking away the curtain of His love, but truly showing it, so that we feel and experience the absolute breath-taking perfection of His love- we exist as we do. Day by day, in His hands. There is no better place, even as doubts and fears threaten to send us fleeing.
Pursue me, Lord. And help me to pursue You.
I love them because it is very evident that God is calling me closer- that, even though I know He always is right there, He is pursuing me, getting my attention. I get closer, He gets closer. I love it. I love reflecting on His character, who He is in the simplest terms, and in the most complex. That this God, who made everything, the universe, and the little ant crawling across my front porch at this moment- all this is in His mighty grasp- His mighty, caring, loving grasp. And then me, too. He's got me. He is all about me- in spite of me.
And that is also why these enduring times of deep thought also drive me mad. Taken to the highest heights of God's glory and overwhelming love, and then slammed down to the deepest depths of my own rotten self, me, the sinner, the total loser when it comes to temptation, the absolute, most loathesome creature ever created. Ugh. Get over yourself. Even self-loathing reeks of hubris.
Truth is, we do this...thing. The Lord and I circle around. He is doing everything right, being ever-so-realistic and perfect and calm and loving. I, on the other hand, duck and weave all over the place, maneuvering like a sugar-rushed toddler, giggling until SMACK- my idiocy and human-ness trip me up and leave me bleeding on the floor. God being God, He is there to clean me up. This part- this part I do not understand, even if I try to think of my own children. God knows I am going to do this. He knows I will gleefully jump forward into His Will, to serve as He has called me, with great joy, passion, fervor. He also knows I will, sooner or later, come to a startling halt via unsuredness, worry, anxiety, massive, disappointing lack of FAITH. Oh, that I could understand how God moves us. That I could understand the glorifying outcome of what begins as mess. I literally ache for the day when all is made known. I am not good at this Trust stuff.
I sometimes think it is cruel, to be like this. To have to trust. Why Faith? But I know why. The nature of our God, of His love. He is not content to just pound it into our brains that He loves us. He shows us, and in order for His love to be revealed- and not just whisking away the curtain of His love, but truly showing it, so that we feel and experience the absolute breath-taking perfection of His love- we exist as we do. Day by day, in His hands. There is no better place, even as doubts and fears threaten to send us fleeing.
Pursue me, Lord. And help me to pursue You.
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