The Battle that Wages

Sometimes I read Paul over and over, talking about how "what he doesn't want to do, he finds himself doing, and what he does want to do, he finds that he can't..." and his constant pain, wound, problem, issue- whatever, to which God says, "My Grace is sufficient for you..."

I feel for Paul, and I wonder about God in that. A lot. I mean, God says that His grace is sufficient...but doesn't really give any idea as to how we are supposed to make that reality. I mean, God can say a lot of things, true things, powerful things, but for us sin-splattered humans, us sheeple, we really need specifics. So, do I close my eyes and click my heels, and grace will be sufficient? Does it require an abundance of faith? Because we all know my faith is like shifting sand, so on Monday and Tuesday grace may be sufficient, but by Wednesday, uh, what's this about grace now? I got nothin'.

When you feel the way you feel, when you have no direction for your emotions, when you can't explain them away, or chalk yourself up to being a sinful person who will never be ok...and somebody wants to say, Grace is sufficient...yeah, I wanna smack them. Forgive me, but sometimes I don't have enough faith to see Grace, so it is then, I suppose, that I am grasping for mercy.

Mercy, I recognize. Because when I am constantly too weak to see Grace, too cowardly to seek grace and understand it, accept it...mercy is on my doorstep. Because every time I am down in the mire of my own self-loathing, my own little chains that I keep in my secret closet of sinfulness and pride and just humanity...Time and again there will be the Hand of Mercy reaching out to me, to pull me out. I know this. I may not feel it all the time, but I know it. I know the God that I worship, that I seek, that I love. I don't know all of Him, who can, really? But I know enough to trust that mercy will always be there. It's hard to accept a gift you don't deserve- grace. But mercy- not getting what you DO deserve- who isn't going to let that fall on them like sweet, cleansing rain?

These days are rough. My mind is in tumult and my soul is screaming- for no particular reason. Just when I've had it with myself, and I think surely, God has had it with me as well, I see that word, or hear it spoken, sung in a song- mercy. His mercy is abundant, and it never fails. May I never lose sight of that, may I never lose my amazement, my awe in Him and His ability to dole it out. I never want to be pas'e about mercy. It will always be incredible and I will always be desperate for it.
So thank you, Lord, for mercy.