Padlock broken.

Bruised, busted.
Misused, disgusted.
Always standing at a precipice.
Waiting for You.
Trusting in Truth.
I know what I know, but do I believe?

How many chances do I get, Lord,
And how many times can you fix what I've become?
Everytime I step away from you, even for a moment-
This damage I do, will it carry to eternity?

How can you use someone so broken?
Your perfect Will being done with these shaking hands?
Words of power spoken in a stutter, Father-
How do you love me? Rather, why?

Mourning, faithless.
Coward, worthless.
Words tied to me like a yoke upon my back.
Standing in your light, Lord-
Burned beyond recognition
This little pile of ash and smouldered dirt
A smear, a stain
Yet it's all mine, this lie, this pain-

Because of who You are-
Because of the Truth that overflows my heart-
Because of Love made flesh and bone
Because of who You are-

The joy creeps up slowly, the smile will fight to find its place upon my face-
Knowing the wretch that I am, yet standing beside me, lifting me up-
Humbled, refined
damage redesigned-

Because Your love lets His blood run red-
Let it be to me as you have said.

Undone

"All the chisels I've dulled carving idols of stone that have crumbled like sands 'neath the waves, I have wrecklessly built all my dreams in the sand just to watch them all wash away. Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile to One who sees past all I see- I'm reaching out with my weary hand and I pray that You understand, You're the only One who's faithful to me."

That little song tidbit, another blessed verse from my dearest and best, Jennifer Knapp- I honestly used to sit on the corner of my bed and sing it in my head. Lifting it as prayer, as comfort for myself, as apology, as whatever it needed to be at that point in time.

We put so much time in to trying to be faithful to God- and rightly so- our faith is so important, active faith, faith that moves and shows itself. However, if we stop to think about God and HIS faithfulness? Prepare for awe. How many times has He waited for me to grow up, get it right, knock it off, suck it up? How long does he wait for me to snap out of my own self-indulgent brain-mess so I can focus on Him and His work? That is faithfulness. That He doesn't pack it up with me and move on to someone else! That I'm not totally fired and somebody younger, fresher is brought in to renew His purposes. Wow.

Not only that, but as He is faithful through all of that, He is still faithful to love me, lavish me with affection and provision. With blessings. This is the God we serve, the God we love with all heart, mind, soul and strength. We cannot begin to touch His great faithfulness with our own, but we can wonder at His faithfulness, thank Him for it, and show others the way to that faithfulness - to salvation, peace, comfort, and eternity with Him.

I cannot wait. I cannot wait to see my Lord with my own eyes, to not have to contend with the amount of emotion that I would normally try to keep subtle, down in my gut so as not to freak anyone out...when I see Him- just try to shut me up. Just try to hold me back! I will never, ever stop singing.

The hope of that day, THAT is what keeps me striving. That I am blessed to witness 'God moments' and miracles here on this earth- just icing on the cake. A gift for this life to keep me excited for the next.

Cultivate excitement for our coming eternity spent with our Awesome God.

That dichotomy thing rearing it's ugly head all the time...

My chest feels like there is a foot crushing it. My heartbeat is irregular. My head has moments of absolute agony.

My stress level, apparently, is higher than I have experienced in a long, long time. This makes me think two things:

First, Lord, You are working on me. There is something I need to get, something I need to realize, something I need to come to terms with. Why I must do this while simoultaneously dealing with a few other things piled on top, that is Your great mystery, but I trust that "all things work for the good of those who love you." Just typing that and the foot let off a little. Deep breath.

Second, as much as You work on me Lord, the 'other' is there, working on me, dropping little pebbles of deceit and discouragement and fear and doubt...which I see as clear as day, yet still they dig in and tear out parts of my heart.

It is that I am in such a state that I need to just sit. Just. Sit. Let my brain go with it. Try doing that with three kids. Ok, now try doing that with three kids and not feeling guilty. And then add that on to the pile of goop here in my brain.

What a terrible, horrible wreck I am Lord! How do you use any of me? Ha, I know the answer to my own question. "For it is when you are your weakest that my strength is made perfect within you." So, Lord, what are we training for here? I am being made so weak- mentally, physically...will I be able to stand up spiritually? I do not doubt you, Lord, but me? Take me out of the equation. However you need to do that, Lord, 'Let it be to me as you will say..."

Let it be to me.

Romans 9:17
The Message (MSG)
14-18Is that grounds for complaining that God is unfair? Not so fast, please. God told Moses, "I'm in charge of mercy. I'm in charge of compassion." Compassion doesn't originate in our bleeding hearts or moral sweat, but in God's mercy. The same point was made when God said to Pharaoh, "I picked you as a bit player in this drama of my salvation power." All we're saying is that God has the first word, initiating the action in which we play our part for good or ill.

Lately, I can't help but send up prayers of questioning, accusation, confusion. I confess, I'm having a hard time with God these days. I am comforted in the fact that God is patient with my doubts, that He allows me to plod through these paths of spiritual struggle so that I may come closer to Him and re-cement our relationship. But in the midst of it? I admit I take issue with some of the things going on in loved ones' lives.

Why this suffering, Lord? Why are these people dealing with something that I wouldn't wish on an enemy, let alone someone I love? How is it fair? How is it right that someone who loves You and trusts You so much, would have this? I know all things work for the good of those who love you, and I may have to wait a while until I see the real Truth of that verse to come through in this situation- but honestly, Lord. This is something that has put my voice out- We are told to rejoice in You always, and even again, Rejoice! Where is my voice for that? When it comes to this Lord, I am silent.

I sought out the verse above for this situation. And I know what I am doing, what sin I am holding. A sin of pride, that I have some kind of idea what justice is, when the Lord is the author and perfector of Justice, in every sense. I KNOW this, my brain works. My heart? She lags behind. I can hear God loud and clear, "Oh, so you think this is harsh? You think I've got the wrong people here? That this should be on someone else? Want to give me any suggestions? Since you seem to know better than I..." That makes me laugh. I just gave God a sarcastic voice. Sarcasm has absolutely no part in God. At least the cruel kind. But you see where I struggle?

My heart is constantly playing catch-up with my head, in so many things. That is the hardest thing about being this prophet-thing. Knowing Truth, breathing it, drowning in it, yet still having this human heart that is so separate and lacking in holiness. Let me think of the Downhere song...

I'm learning to stand
The more that I fall down
It's the law of inversion
And it's all turned around
And I'm staggered by
The clash inside my soul
So purposed for good
But inclined for evil
It's justice and mercy, the old dichotomies
All along the front lines of my heart in both doubt and belief
The sinner, and the saint, the old arch enemies
All at war in me All at war in me
I was born depraved
But created for the Divine
With death in my bones
In my heart eternal life
I'd love for Eden
But I'd kill for Rome
A native in a land
That is not my home.

That is the whole human existence, summed up so nicely in song.

Knowing and Unknowing.

I have been on a philosophical roll, which is something I venture off on every once in a great while, usually at the mercy of hormones or some grand life crisis, or not so grand, usually, just grand in my own mind. But, this roll is still going- it's a longer-than-normal roll, so I am assuming it will continue until God has placed in my brain whatever it is He wants me to get. I love these times, and I hate them.

I love them because it is very evident that God is calling me closer- that, even though I know He always is right there, He is pursuing me, getting my attention. I get closer, He gets closer. I love it. I love reflecting on His character, who He is in the simplest terms, and in the most complex. That this God, who made everything, the universe, and the little ant crawling across my front porch at this moment- all this is in His mighty grasp- His mighty, caring, loving grasp. And then me, too. He's got me. He is all about me- in spite of me.

And that is also why these enduring times of deep thought also drive me mad. Taken to the highest heights of God's glory and overwhelming love, and then slammed down to the deepest depths of my own rotten self, me, the sinner, the total loser when it comes to temptation, the absolute, most loathesome creature ever created. Ugh. Get over yourself. Even self-loathing reeks of hubris.

Truth is, we do this...thing. The Lord and I circle around. He is doing everything right, being ever-so-realistic and perfect and calm and loving. I, on the other hand, duck and weave all over the place, maneuvering like a sugar-rushed toddler, giggling until SMACK- my idiocy and human-ness trip me up and leave me bleeding on the floor. God being God, He is there to clean me up. This part- this part I do not understand, even if I try to think of my own children. God knows I am going to do this. He knows I will gleefully jump forward into His Will, to serve as He has called me, with great joy, passion, fervor. He also knows I will, sooner or later, come to a startling halt via unsuredness, worry, anxiety, massive, disappointing lack of FAITH. Oh, that I could understand how God moves us. That I could understand the glorifying outcome of what begins as mess. I literally ache for the day when all is made known. I am not good at this Trust stuff.

I sometimes think it is cruel, to be like this. To have to trust. Why Faith? But I know why. The nature of our God, of His love. He is not content to just pound it into our brains that He loves us. He shows us, and in order for His love to be revealed- and not just whisking away the curtain of His love, but truly showing it, so that we feel and experience the absolute breath-taking perfection of His love- we exist as we do. Day by day, in His hands. There is no better place, even as doubts and fears threaten to send us fleeing.

Pursue me, Lord. And help me to pursue You.

Beware wolves...with no teeth.

The Word tells us to beware of wolves amongst us. Acts 20:29 tells us that false teachers, like vicious wolves, will come in among us and try to knock us off the Truth. In my bff Ezekiel's prophecies, he compares the LEADERS of Israel to wolves- vicious wolves.

Just so we are clear, the viciousness of these wolves is in the way they wreck the spiritual clarity of our souls. Obviously, they are going to appear AOK- the fact that they come in among us, or are, perhaps, leaders, only adds to the deception. Their destruction and wreckage is subtle, because it is spiritual.

Most Americans these days are so far away from any kind of spiritual reality, the 'other team' can plunder and pillage their souls at will. It doesn't take much. Many walk a tight rope of existence- ignoring the spiritual and constantly striving for the material, the earthly, the right now. One little nudge, and crash. Many even have a working knowledge of the spiritual, but keep it tidied away in a little box, to be brought out only during tough times, a death, holidays. Then away it goes.

So, it is very easy for these wolves to creep upon us, not even needing to bear their teeth, just gently grab us around our exposed necks, every so slightly, and SNAP.

I believe these wolves come in various forms- Anyone working for Christianity-lite or Christianity-trendy. That which changes with the next self-help fad or retro flashback. Keep everyone in superficial spirituality- that's their game. Just enough to make ya feel good, but sweep you away when the time comes. The luke-warm fit in here. No fervor, no passion. Just packaged smiles, clean cut, hip, pseudo-relevant, keep 'em in the kool-aid, but firmly in their seats stuff.

Star-sucking media mania, the giant, shiny, sparkly wolf of the pack. So sparkly. So hypnotizing. Gets you sucked in so fast, and so far that you don't even recognize reality even while you're in it. Fame and Celebrity have placed some serious starry-goggles on your eyes. Secular no longer simply means worldly, non-spiritual. It now clamors very loudly for the spiritual- just the wrong spirits.

The bricks. Old, stubborn, set in their ways. Can't budge 'em from the pews, nor wrestle the hymnals from their gnarled hands. Scowls running race-car lines across their brows. Your run-of-the-mill W.A.S.P.-y folk that you'll find beside the word 'hypocrite' in the dictionary. They know their verse, they say their prayers. But rigid, unbending, unforgiving they are.

Beware the wolves. They may not show their teeth, they may come at you as gently as a breeze. But once they work at you long enough, a breeze is all they'll need to be to blow you over. Beware the wolves.

And so,

It is interesting what brings on the urge to write here. It can be nothing- where I just sit down, check my email, and then find myself typing furiously away at something in this little rectangle. It can be other blogs I read, it can be news articles. It can be conversations with people, or conversations with my children (who are also people, just small, less eloquent people).

Nonetheless, here I am.

What a pickle we find ourselves in. Quite possibly the most difficult thing I've ever encountered in my spiritual life. Continuing this way is absolutely exhausting, because I feel I am being told to encourage people, when perhaps, I myself need a large dose of encouragment myself! We continue on this way, knowing very little about where we are headed, what we are going to do next, what great obstacle we are going to encounter next. It's like walking along a high, narrow, steep path in the shadow of a very dark cliff. And every so often, a large boulder comes rolling from the top of that cliff, and we have to maneuver ourselves so that 1)we don't get squashed by the boulder, 2) we don't lose our footing and fall from our narrow path, 3) We aren't shoving other people under the boulder or off the path so that WE ourselves can stay on it. Writing that, I would say that the word "pickle" isn't quite going to cut it. We are in a barrel of pickles.

Now, what we see as a pickle (barrel of) may very well be just the place God wants us. We are so desperately clinging to Him and His word- searching for our direction. Isn't that where He wants us? "I lift my eyes up to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth..."

Those words, while they are in the Bible, they are also in a song that often comes to my lips during this whole, "thing" we are doing. And by "thing" I mean movement in obedience. WE are simply obeying, one small, confused step at a time.

I realize existing like that- taking one small step and not even being sure of the step you are taking- that is very exhausting, stressful, and uncomfortable- who wants to be there? But it puts us in an interesting position...and I hesitate to say this, because I was feeling the same sort of thing when we talked about moving into the facility we are in now...and we know how that is ending up...but, I digress- being this way, uncomfortable, perhaps miserable- it allows us two things: 1) We can get the heck outta here and forget this. 2) We can seek out the comfort and stability we so greatly desire in Christ.

Choosing #2 is an ongoing, difficult thing to do. Its a choice we have to make deliberately! And it ain't easy the first time, the 50th time, the 1000th time you choose to take the path God is leading you onto. Ugh.

But back to the song I mentioned- Praise you in this Storm. What a storm...a pickle storm this is, eh? We have that choice in front of us now. If we choose #2, and fling ourselves upon the rock that is our Lord, seeking, searching, begging, pleading....then we must also Praise Him. For caring about us enough to deal with us and our whining (my whining), to be patient with us as we take two steps forward and then another one back.

Thank you, my beautiful, wonderful, compassionate Lord for being who You are, even as I become a very horrible version of myself. Thank you for your patience, thank you for your guidance- please help me see Your way clearly and lead my every single step!! God is good, and all the time, God is good.