My new best friend Ezekiel.

So, the chaos in my head continues. The back and forth, being sure but then being pummeled back into unsuredness. I would like to blame pregnancy for this roller coaster ride, but I think I know better in this instance.

Reading and re-reading through Ezekiel, I realize I feel very similar to everything going on in that book. Israel is already in a state of serious trouble, but the Israelites are either totally in denial and just going about their business, or they are already teetering on the edge of despair and ready to throw in the towel and commit their lives to wailing and tearing their clothes and stuff. Sounds very familiar.

Ezekiel gets to drop the bomb on them that Israel as they know it is done. Gone. Fin. God gives him a scroll: "When I looked he had his hand stretched out to me, and in the hand a book, a scroll. He unrolled the scroll. On both sides, front and back, were written lamentations and mourning and doom."

Sounds pretty awesome. Doooooom. Dooooooooom! What is Ezekiel's reaction to this, um, job? Here it is: "The Spirit lifted me and took me away. I went bitterly and angrily. I didn't want to go. But God had me in his grip. I arrived among the exiles who lived near the Kebar River at Tel Aviv. I came to where they were living and sat there for seven days, appalled. "

I'm at about that point. Except I didn't have the luxury of the 4-headed beast with wings and eating the honey-tasting scroll and all that concrete stuff that would let me know it's all for real. So, I'm a little funkified over that. I suppose I have 7 days to sit here.


Then he said to me, "Son of man, I'm going to cut off all food from Jerusalem. The people will live on starvation rations, worrying where the next meal's coming from, scrounging for the next drink of water. Famine conditions. People will look at one another, see nothing but skin and bones, and shake their heads. This is what sin does." Yep, I'll be saying something similar.

14-15 "When I get done with you, you'll be a pile of rubble. Nations who walk by will make coarse jokes. When I finish my angry punishment and searing rebukes, you'll be reduced to an object of ridicule and mockery, turned into a horror story circulating among the surrounding nations. I, God, have spoken.
16-17 "When I shoot my lethal famine arrows at you, I'll shoot to kill. Then I'll step up the famine and cut off food supplies. Famine and more famine—and then I'll send in the wild animals to finish off your children. Epidemic disease, unrestrained murder, death—and I will have sent it! I, God, have spoken." I want to say that is extreme...but...

And at the end of every statement, God says, "Then they'll know that I am God."

"Tell them, 'Time's about up. Every warning is about to come true. False alarms and easygoing preaching are a thing of the past in the life of Israel. I, God, am doing the speaking. What I say happens. None of what I say is on hold. What I say, I'll do—and soon, you rebels!' Decree of God the Master."

6-8 "Therefore, say to the house of Israel: 'God, the Master, says, Repent! Turn your backs on your no-god idols. Turn your backs on all your outrageous obscenities. To every last person from the house of Israel, including any of the resident aliens who live in Israel—all who turn their backs on me and embrace idols, who install the wickedness that will ruin them at the center of their lives and then have the gall to go to the prophet to ask me questions—I, God, will step in and give the answer myself. I'll oppose those people to their faces, make an example of them—a warning lesson—and get rid of them so you will realize that I am God.

All of this- it all makes my brain jump, so to speak. But it all sounds so harsh and unbelievable. Though every time I think it, the urgency increases, the intensity increases and I'm thrust into this state. My husband says jump already. Easy for him to say...much harder if you are the one who has to do the doing. Speak the crazy. To reasonably comfortable people that don't want to hear crazy.

How about, Lord, if I just lay on my couch and you can drag me around and move my mouth and manipulate my vocal chords? Would that be cool? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, I know, I know, I know. I KNOW! BAH!

You know I'm not there yet, Lord. And I am telling you, pleading with you, make my brain work. I trust You, I don't trust me. I don't know if I am being deceived and misled. I need to see the dry wool and wet ground. And then I'll need to see wet wool and dry ground. Forgive me, Lord. I don't know what else to say.