All Falls Down

Is it me? Have I crossed over onto the slightly insane side? Funny, I don't feel crazy. I mean, more than usual.

I go outside and sniff the air like an animal of some kind. Every plane that goes by, every strange tint the sun makes in the sky...I'm waiting for it. I don't know what I'm waiting for, and I don't know if I'm supposed to know or if I am supposed to trust God that whatever it is, He will be my strength- more strength than I think possible.

But until then, every day I turn over inside myself- not knowing quite what to do, asking for direction and expecting some kind of real directions- something specific so that I can know I am doing what I'm meant to be doing. I want to be a wind-up toy with the operating instructions stuck right on my back in three languages.

So, am I failing at this faith thing? Because I know that's what you want, Lord. Standing on the edge of a cliff, knowing but not knowing what is at the bottom, waiting for your "Go!" or at least expecting a shove in the back and off I go. Why must everything be so grandiose? Why must this "coming" thing be so unnerving? I cannot stand in the waiting room forever- I am much more comfortable being under the knife already.

I know it is not me You/we are waiting for. But how many times should I speak this...what appears to be craziness- and just how much craziness should I let slip? To convey my true, unadulterated, un-watered-down feelings would most certainly get me in trouble. I realize I can face some trouble, some raised eyebrows, but how much are you expecting, Lord?

My faith in You is not the problem, Lord, at least that's what I think. My faith in me, and who I am and who I am to other people- that is where I see the problem arising. To speak this kind of stuff and try to speak it with authority- I will need to be thoroughly drowned in the Spirit. And I mean drowned.

I can speak my piece, like Agabus, and then can I run away screaming at what I just said? Or will that kind of lessen the impact?

I await your orders- orders I can understand and carry out. Please bring them soon. Until then I sit here, waiting, wondering, listening, expecting, and going absolutely crazy in the process.