Granted, morning sickness (or all-day-long sickness) and exhaustion are probably to blame for much of it- I am amazed how I can go to sleep with a smile and wake up with a giant crease in my brow. For no particular reason.
Well, maybe for a particular reason. After being on somewhat of a spiritual high, I get this feeling of being mocked. I don't know if I'm mocking myself, or if it is a spiritual attack from the enemy. "Ooooh, look at you, aren't you special, yeah, too bad this is all charades, right? You know you aren't producing fruit of any kind, so this was just another act in your play of life." I hate that voice. I want to physically start throwing punches and drop-kicks to get rid of it.
And then we try pleading, "God, what is this? How badly am I failing at hearing your Spirit? Please, do something- anything!"
Oh, I don't know. Everybody probably has their off days. Mine just happen to be on an every-other-day sort of schedule. How hard does one have to focus and concentrate to live fully in the Spirit all the time? Do not conform to this life...
Just call me Spaz. One day I'm ready to enflame things with the Spirit, the next day I'm swimming in ice water. Could this possibly actually be better than being one temperature all the time? God gets more work done in those sporadic days of spiritual drunkeness than if I was simmering all the time? I don't know. Luckily He knows what He is doing. Ack! Even trust is easier on some days rather than others.
Seriously, Lord, how is this helpful? I know, I know. Lean not on your own understanding. That seems to be the only words I'm getting from You these days. I'm an infant trying to have adult interactions with an infinite God that only wants my trust and obedience. This just makes the whole "end-of-time" thing more and more appealing.
Hurry, Jesus.
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