Mental harassment

A chorus to one of my favorite songs:

I'm so far from what I wanna be
Oh, I really am my own worst enemy
Please don't let me get the better of me
Take this earthly thing and make it finally
Something heavenly, I wanna be heavenly.

The thing going through my head right now is the third line. Please don't let me get the better of me. Because if I do, it will be a train wreck on top of a Godzilla attack.

How can you think you have moved so far forward, but still be so horribly far away from anything you can be happy to accomplish? What sort of lofty goals does a person have to have if they are going to be complaining all the time! Yeah, I'm not that great. My goals aren't lofty. They are just for some...stability? Assuredness? I can sing 'Blessed Assurance" but can't bring myself to mean it. To this day and probably forever. Is that helpful, Lord? Keep me on my toes? Keep me desperate and despairing?

I understand to be any sort of useful to you Lord, I have to be completely trusting in You, completely reliant on You. If this is the way that works, I can't say I like it, but I'll take it over a half-assed life lived to you with more contentment for myself. Is this like Paul's thorn in the flesh? Thorn isn't the word I would use for it. This is a corkscrew to the brain, twisting in or out. Small moments of relief, or a heap of more disgust.

So, God can use mental cripples, because when He is using them, they aren't. The Holy Spirit makes me whole when I am swimming in Him, but when I'm not, I'm a drowning cripple.

Holy Pregnancy Hormones, Batman! Where are my Alanis Morissette cds when I need them? Let's go put on some black eyeliner, a black trenchcoat, practice scowling, and listen to The Cure. Then, after a good brood, we can get back to the important stuff, which is whatever God wants. Yeah, send me to my room. I would beat myself up if I wasn't me.

He gives me living water and I thirst no more- that's kinda a lie. I'm terribly thirsty, Lord. How, where, when can I get more of You? Agog!

And tomorrow I can look at this and be like, "Who hacked into my blog and was writing stupid emo junk?"

Whoa...you work quickly Lord. The song after the one I typed above:

I've lost all my earthly optimism
That it's all going to be alright
That the good will win this fight
Somewhere between youth and disappointments
The dream became despair, the love became a lie
Just now, I've reached the end of my line
Just now, I'm too tired to keep on trying
Hope it is rising, it's a sunrise for the end
Hope it is rising, and it's breathing for me again
Hope is rising Hope is rising, again

Wow. Do I have a secret switch that you just flip or something? How is it that easy? In half a moment I'm thumbing my nose at everything, and the next, the anticipation of Your Glory suddenly takes hold and I'm your faithful freak again. Seriously.

Well, I might as well go play with my kids since my mood has abruptly shifted in their favor. Come on, Lord, tell me. I'm much more fun when I'm pregnant, right? That's why you've made it so easy for us. Come on. Oh well. As long as you can use me, Lord, I'll deal.