conditional love? NOOOO!

I talked about this on Sunday. It has my head spinning. There are phrases in the Bible like, 'faith hope and love, and the greatest of these is love.' Love love love love, it's like a Beatles song up in there. Or something.

Is love one of the most misunderstood emotions ever? Is it just an emotion? Is it more? Certainly it is more than just feeling something. It has to be a state of mind, a lifestyle, an action, more than just some little tingle in your soul. Right?

I don't believe a person can know true love until they have known Christ- and really known Him, like, hyper-intimately. For some people this will mean tragedy and pain and hurt- and they will come to Him so broken and bruised and beaten, that the only thing that keeps them from the ultimate end is that love. Not love, but Love. With a capital L. The only way to properly write the word if you are going to talk about it in the context of God, of Jesus.

So, this Love- what about it? We need it. We crave it, even if we don't know that we do. It is the only thing that can sustain us, sometimes.

But, this Love- what else? We must represent it. Jesus, His physical body, is up in heaven sitting w/ God, praying for you, for me, for that guy, and that guy over there, and everyone else, too. His Spirit, whom He sent down to us, to live within us, to power us up like spiritual batteries- He is here, and He is who will help us demonstrate, represent this Love. Capital L Love.

God's Love does not operate on conditions, because as the Word says, "While we were still sinners, Christ died for us..." We will never stop sinning- but we will want to. Once the Spirit grabs hold of us, He does the convicting. Not your fellow Christian. Not your pastor or your therapist. Our job, those of us who bear the name of Christ, who dare to call ourselves Christians- we must live this Love.

What does that mean for you? I can't tell you that. You have to decide for yourself. But think of this Love, how much God loves YOU, and all your hang-ups, internal sins, difficulties that have no definition...He Loves you. Like crazy. He wants you, He wants your life, He wants to fulfill you and make you part of His plan. You already are a part of His plan. And so is that guy, and that girl, and that dude over there...And He Loves them just as much. So, when you see that guy or that girl, wherever you see them, at whatever point in their life, in that moment, whether in sin or in obedience- God LOVES them. What is your job, then? To love them as well? I think so. I believe that. I want to live that. I cannot take care of the sin, that is for Christ alone. But the Love? That part? It has been commanded of us: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. And the second is like it, Love your neighbor as yourself. And a new command I give you, Love one another as I have Loved you...
This is by far the hardest thing we are called to do, because we are exposed to sin and hopelessness and degradation of all kinds- to love in the midst of that, well, Christ gave us a hefty example to live up to. But let's try, ay?

"Hey, Peter, do you love me?"
"Yes, of course I do!!!"
"Then Love them, my sheep. Love them. One more time, brother, do you love me?"
"Absolutely, Lord, I do!"
"You heard what I said then, Love them. Take care of my sheep. Love them."

As Francis Chan says, paraphrased, I believe God wants us to love others so much that we go to extremes (EXTREMES) to help them...

Amen.

The Dastardly become moreso...

First off, I must comment on the word 'dastardly'. What a word. So old fashioned, yet still so cool. I like it. I expect to find it in an Alanis Morissette song. Beautifully used, as well. I love when people use words beautifully.

But, let's get down to business.
What a ruckus I am in. What a brain-funkadelic-fuming-fiery-inferno-festival of funk. Everything goes on as normal around me- other people's issues, family stuff, marriage stuff...and then there is this. This constant barrage in my brain of completely seperate struggle. My own, my very own, all alone, just me and my head. And God. If I let Him in. Usually don't, because His light shining on this crap just makes it all the more gory and shame-inducing. How can such a battle go on in someone's head, and never make it to the outside? Does that mean I'm winning? Or do we have some kind of truce? A spiritual battle is even more real than any fought on an earthly battlefield, this I know to be TOO TRUE. So, is that what I'm doing? If so, it sucks to be a single soldier.

You know those kids that dress all in black and wear eye-liner and like, trench coats, and they just kinda wander around staring at their shoes, and disdainfully glance at people...and then pull a frustrated hand through their jet-black hair and stomp off to some dark corner to practice their creepy lurking skills? You know those kids? I am so one of those. Just internally, not externally. Is this what it is to be a prophet? Is this why prophets yearned for each other, to hang out with, and share this bizarre BEING? To be constantly choking on the Glory of God as it burns into our heads...desiring to do His good work, but dumbfounded at the Awesomeness of it, at the infintisimal speck of our own existance when compared to His...UGH! I feel like a fly pleading with the swatter. Just do it! Swat me down, squish me up! Quick, before I make everything in here vile and germy. Please!

It it often a good exercise to think of the character of God. Totally good, all loving, all perfect, all just, all wonderful, all glorious. And then think of my own character...and here is where that wonderful word dastardly comes in. I'm not totally sure of the complete definition...but I think it fits. It is really an exercise in futility to compare yourself with the character of God. But that really is our measure. Right? Trying to be Christ-like. Realizing that is unattainable, obviously, and then stewing in the anguish of that.

Then, as quickly as you can, get back up and revel in the Truth: God's Grace is amazing. That I am still loved, even as I am this horrible creature. That God still uses me for His glory- unbelievable- even though my own thoughts and actions often grieve Him so. To keep working with me? I would have fired me long ago. But that, too, shows the character of our God. Forgiving, merciful. Trying to think of that instead of the depth of my own depravity. Always trying to think of that instead of that.

many times afraid

Every once in a while, a great fear takes over me, a fear that has no root, no form, no cause. Just that horrible, breathless feeling of simple fear and probably more so apprehension. Like a great wave is building just out of my sight, just the power deep down in the water, but no real ripple to see above. But there it sits in the pit of my stomach, churning, growing.
Most of the time, this fear without definition occurs while there is a lot going on in my life. Busy with the kids, busy with my mom, general craziness at home, maybe a small uprising at church...it all kinda comes together and then lands in my gut, as this fear. Maybe. I can't say for sure. Maybe normal people just call this a generalized anxiety disorder or something. I would rather consider it God keeping me on my toes. Reminding me that I desperately need Him, and I need Him in the middle of it all. One of my favorite verses is Isaiah 41:10. Do not fear. Why? Because I AM WITH YOU. Do not despair. Why? Because I AM YOUR GOD. That is about as simple as it needs to be. And because I need His constant reminding for that, I realize I need His constant everything. All the time, everywhere, in, around, over and through me. Consume me Father, lest the world takes me under in fear, doubt, shame, and regret. I am Your child. Let me not forget that....please.

so much to do, so little time.

Ok. By now we all know that being a followed of Christ is much more than going to church, living a slightly more moral than average life, and listening to the Christian radio station. But, our instructions from Christ in the parable of the sheep and goats tells us to feed, clothe, visit, etc, all of the least of these. If this were our absolute, finite instruction, then go get some gatorade cuz we gonna be busy. Thankfully, God is specific with us. He knows us each individually and has given us gifts, very specific gifts. Ephesians 2:10 tells us we are God's great masterpiece, every one of us, and we have been created in this new Christ-life to do certain good works, jobs planned out for us in advance of our very existence. Now, THAT is pretty specific, don't you think? So, while we can be zealous to serve, and jump in to any opportunity that come our way, I think there needs to be a tiny bit of prayerful caution. Is this what god had planned in advance for you to do? Or is the job, perhaps, for you to delegate? To aid another Christian in their quest to be obedient to our call to serve? Maybe? That is just something to think about. Inthe apostles delegated. Instead of blindly serving wherever the opportunity presents, we should seek the Lord's complete direction.

Along came a spider...

Ok. Awesome. Figured out how to blog via my phone. I am officially one of "those people". Addicted to my phone. Well, sort of.
I have been sans computer for two weeks. I'd like to think I am capable of surviving, but my brain is not. I need to write. For my own self. For me, not you random reader. I care not for your opinion. Honestly. I care only that what I have in my head gets out of it, and the best way is this. If it doesn't come out, it gets ugly in here. Ug uh lee. And then I can't stand being around people, or inanimate objects, or anything in this reality, actually. I find myself checking out. Or, checking in, perhaps is a better way of putting it. Because I go in. Way inside this stupid, havoc head of mine. Not quite as creepy as Vincent donofrio's brain in The Cell, but my own version of that creepiness.

So let's call this the first, introduction to mobile blogging, take 1. My kids think I am playing a video game on here and are getting too up in my face...so I must conclude, regretfully.

Diligent

This walk with You
Takes more than I have
So much to wade through
Your patience is a gift.

But could I fail?
And if I do, what then?
Do I wash away completely,
or do we begin again?

The lines in my forehead grow deeper
The rough skin on my hands
The scars along my arms
The tear stains across my cheeks
Signs of Your good work,
And my struggle against it.

What fills this heart,
What is Not of You
If shame had a face I would wear it.
Take me under, Father.
Under Your wings to hide and fight another day.
My broken heart yearns for rest-
A rest that does not exist here, in flesh.

For that day, Lord.
For that day I wait.


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Don't fall. Don't fall.
I am at a loss to feel this way.
Imaginary reaching
Eyes shut tight to keep the sight of you from burning
The sight of you from starting fires
Chaos under your thumb
Unaware
Blink and start over
Clear my throat
Take a deep breath
Surrender, obedient servant.
But creeping up slowly
to barely touch my heart
to barely scent my skin
to send a spark, then away, so fast.

I am still treading water
above a deep, dark crevasse.
So terrified of what is lurking,
but tired, tired of the churning,
ready for the black
ready for the black to swallow me up
and take me down
where everything will stop
and one moment will be forever.
A lie, but forever.
Everything will stop.

And then it rained.

There is a Truth that I think about more often than I don't think of it: God's strength is made perfect in weakness. What I wonder about is that word, weakness. What does that entail? How does it look in action? Weakness. I don't know if I have it down or not.

I do know that the more I break, the more I am utterly at a loss with myself, when I am so ridiculously pathetic in my own mind, suddenly I find myself shot out into some situation that requires me to be...not pathetic. And, by golly, the Spirit delivers through me. It's quite a miraculous thing to experience. But at the same time, it is odd to be in the midst of patheticism (I totally just made that word up, but it is a keeper.) and to find yourself doing something of God. There can't be anything more bizarre. To be utterly squashed in yourself, to be sickened, almost, with yourself and how (insert synonym for pathetic here) you are, and then to be quite literally catapulted into participating in something glorious.

What this says to me? Well, I wonder over it constantly. Why me, God? I am nothing special, nothing spectacular, and if ever I am, it is because of You, God. You are glorious, and I am barely a smouldering ash. You are Holy, and I am just shy of pure evil. How does this work, Lord? By mere fact of Your Being.

That is the bottom line. God is God. He is everything. Everything. We are smears on the pavement, yet because of His love, because of His Grace and Mercy, and pure awesomeness- He lifts us up to Him, lets us sizzle a bit in His Glorious Presence, and then sets us down again. He adores us and showers us with love, patience, mercy. This is God. Pure. God.

How could anyone not want to know Him? My heart, even though it breaks for it's pitiful, sinful self in the Light of His Glory, breaks even more for the people who don't seek Him. To know Him is to know just how depraved we really are, but to Know Him is to Know Love. We are nothing, nothing, nothing. But to Him and in Him, we are soooooo something.