Spirit! Spirit! Spirit!!!!

Some days I find myself obsessing over my life. My actions, my lack of actions, my treading water. I think I've written a few other times that I feel like I am screaming for God to take over- rend control of this ridiculous person from my sad, sorry hands. Begging for that, pleading for that. In all of that obsessing, I've found myself reaching for the Spirit and any little nugget of information I can get about Him. The Spirit is my helpful friend, my way out of this entrapment.
So, now instead of begging and pleading God to take my life from my hands, I'm begging the Spirit. Sometimes I think He's there, and other times, I think as much as I want Him to be there, I've pushed him away.

I am my own worst enemy. I think too much, I over-complicate EVERYTHING, and I involuntarily fight against everything that I know to be True. I know the TRUTH, so why can't I get my act together? Why can't my heart sync up with my head??

Spirit, you are the key to all of this. You consume me, and I can do the work that God has prepared in advance for me to do. I want to cease to exist in any form of my own, I want to be what you make of me, Spirit, and nothing more. Stomp me into the ground. There is nothing worth salvaging. Make me entirely new and entirely surrendered to You, Lord. This is what I pray and plead, every day, every moment. Shatter me.

Am I crazy for wanting that? I know the Truth, but the pride within me still wants to throw a few punches. Spirit, that's where you come in!!! Sanctify me!

Does not Compute

I have not grown accustomed to the fits and starts of living, or not living my own life for Christ. Each setback is like a shovel to the face. Each slip up is a sign of my ultimate and impending failure- total failure. Wow, I sound like an Alanis Morissette song. No wonder I gravitate toward her music. She uses big words and breaks two-syllable words into three-syllable words. Mmmm, syllables.

So we are having a tough time of it, Lord. I am, rather. You wait for me to get over myself like a infinitely patient mother waiting for her toddler to come out of a tantrum. I appreciate that, but at the same time, can't you rip me from my own hands? Can't you induce a God-coma so that I can bust out of this joint?

Right now, I am like this black-haired emo girl with her hair covering her eyes and a flock of ravens flying around my head. Internally, of course. Mothers of toddlers don't have the luxury of full-throttle selfish depression sabaticals. And I'm over myself enough that I can keep it all internal. Or at least confined to my head and this lovely Blog thing. If my thoughts aren't in my head, you'll find them typed out here. Blah blah blah blah blah blah.

So, this "funk". I hate it. If I knew what it was about, like, specifically, I could work myself out of it. My biggest fear is that this whole mess is going to require some kind of emotional apex. Until I reach that point of complete and total desperation, lose all grasp of my emotional structure that I have built up...see, it doesn't matter that I am begging God with every breath I have. That I plead with the Spirit to clobber me good. Somewhere, I am resisting. Resisting the breaking.

I don't know what I'm supposed to break about. I feel like my brain is waiting for my heart to catch up. My brain is the responsible adult, who uses logic and reason and Truth to move forward. My heart is this selfish little brat with a list of hurts that goes on and on into infinity, and she just wants to mope and mope and be emo. I am living in duality.

Ugh, why couldn't I have been a man? Am I some kind of experiment, Lord? Why must I be this roaring freak show of internal passion and emotion, rolling like waves through my entire being...yet what comes out is this...trickle? Who is controlling this?

Ah, that's enough for one evening, Alanis. Let's get back to whatever it is we're getting back to. Numbing myself or whatever.

What does it mean to follow Him?

Do you love Jesus? Really? Do I? I say I do. I feel like I do. I try my best to act like I do. Which one of those matters? All of them? Probably.

Jesus tells us to "love one another as I have loved you." That is his command right before he goes to the cross. How has he loved us? He was a servant. And not like, a casual one. He didn't just serve as the occasion popped up. No. He sought out opportunities to serve. He roamed the countryside looking for servant opportunities. His life was aimed at servanthood.

What is my life aimed at? Raising my boys? Loving my husband? Maybe those are more like responsibilities. I don't get a high five for doing that, because obviously, I would do that. I love my boys, I love my husband. Lots of people do that- love their family. But where am I aiming? What does my life say about me?

I know what I want it to say.

It is one thing to give of your abundance. And in America, we all pretty much have abundance. A fully stocked grocery store every five miles- that is abundance. To give as an American takes a bit more...

As Christians, our entire LIFE is to be our offering. What Christian can honestly say they give their entire life? I don't know a single one.

When Cain and Abel gave their offerings, look how God reacted. Cain gave out of abundance. Not much effort, not much sacrifice was required. He had five bucks and gave God one or two. Now Abel, he gave til it hurt. Brought out the very best, and when the best was gone, he gave the rest. He had five bucks and gave all five plus an iou for later. When we give, we are showing not only our love, but our faith. If you measured your love and faith by how much you sacrificed, gave to God or to others(which is giving to God, as well)- how would you measure up? Seriously. Look at the faith you think you have, and then look at the faith you demonstrate. Where is your faith located? In your mind/heart, or in your actions? Truly, if it is in your heart, as Jesus says, shouldn't it flow to your actions??? And if it doesn't, well...what does that say about the faith you think you have? This is what James is talkin' bout when he says Faith without Works is dead. Bam. Bam-a-lam.



I love Jesus. LOVE Him. I want to follow Him with all of me, not just the part I think I can spare. One Sunday a week. A Wednesday night each week and maybe a once-a-month type thing. No. I have to be living this with my entire existence, not some partitioned-off section. This should be my complete being. My entire self. Lifted up to God as my offering. That- all that- doesn't come close to what He deserves for all He is, but anything less than all of me is...not even on the fringe of the edge of worthy, even thought no part of me could be worthy.

Am I making any kind of sense? The time has come to stop the excuses. I belong to Christ- all of me, not part. If I live my life in any other way, what does that say about my God? What does that say about me to God?

I titled this blog a while ago- it's good old Mary's verse, a verse I love and adore for it's simple faith and humility. And it is how I long to live my life, and how I yearn to exist from every moment forward...I am the Lord's servant. Let it be to me as you have said..." or will say. Make me into something you can fill, Lord. Use me for Your good Will. My life is my offering, all I have to give, but I give it with great joy and the expectation that You will use it for Your glory. All glory to God in Jesus' name!

Brain for rent

Swoosh. And there goes another thought process...whether it be a moment of rationalization, calculation of damage, whatever. Maybe some self-loathing mixed in there, a little thought projection into other people's brains. Then we'll do some pleading with God. Mix that up with some of the devil's lies, and we've got a nice simmer going now.

Whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever you may have said to me in the past, whether ten minutes ago or ten years, it is stuck in my head, and just as relevant now as it was then. Why do I hang on to such junk? Believe me, it isn't voluntary.

Whoever you are, wherever you are, I will process you into my head a dozen times over, and from the responses I have gleaned from you for whatever stupid thing that doesn't really matter, I will have a clone of you in my head, with which to project your possible thoughts of me. Your opinion of me, whatever it may truly be, well, sorry, I'm way ahead of you. I've already got your opinion of me, and just try to change my mind.

This makes things rather difficult, don't you think? That question is addressed to You, God. How did I get this way and how on Your Green Earth are you going to delete this mish mash of garbage? I am a finely tuned machine at this point. The thing of it is, it doesn't even feel like self pity or self loathing. I've embraced it all as truth. I know it is a lie, but it still feels like the gosh darn truth. If I held both up in the mirror, I wouldn't know which was which. Which self is real? Is there even a real self in there? And if so, she is such a stranger that I wouldn't know what to do with her. Better/easier to give over to God, I suppose, but she's got to dig herself out of this first.

Oh, I could let this ebb away like it usually does, this weird, time-sucking brain world of mine, she usually slows down and allows me to file back into wherever it is I am. No forward motion, of course, but not really backward, either. I could let time pass and find my way back to where I usually go, but...

I know that's not what you want, God. Apparently, unbeknownst to me, I am gripping my life and self with iron hands. Spirit, as I understand you, you've got the ability to change me, but I'm not quite sure what I need to do to get that process started. Besides the constant pleading, praying...

I have no idea who this person is, God. The me that you have made. I feel like a huge illusion, a huge pile of names and identities and emotional garbage just plopped down into this skin. There is nothing of reality within me. Save for you, Jesus. But even that...is it possible that you too are an illusion- not an illusion in reality, for I know that You Are, but Are You within me? Or is that just another mask on the pile?

How can I even move an inch in the right direction if I don't even know that? Is this lack of faith? Must I have some substantiated reality to hold on to? Other people don't. Am I some kind of freak? Yeah, don't answer that question.

I know the Truth. I feel the Truth. But I have not been submerged with in it. I am not drowning in it, and I want to be. What a metaphor for baptism. Would it be that simple, God? Would the substantiated evidence that my head requires be that simple? Is my brain that tangled that I need proof for my proof? Am I so Gideon?

And yet, as my fingers move across the keyboard, the electricity that caused this thought train has gone. I'm back to projecting. Back to fighting my own thoughts for breath. Back to being but not being. I just want to be, but I want to Be Yours, Lord. But I suppose you won't have me til I crumble. Crush me, God. Please. Please. Please. Please.

I don't want to fight, yet it is what I do.

I am not unlike most people- I enjoy having the right answer. I enjoy it when my advice is the right advice. I like to know the most about a particular subject. Why? Yeah, not so sure about that, ironically.

I am super-ultra-mega stubborn. If that were a super-power, well, yeah- I'd be a super hero. Sometimes, in the midst of an argument or friendly debate, I amaze myself- I am truly stunned at how bull-headed and ridiculously unbending I am.

Why does any of this matter, you ask? Well, I am a Christian. To "be" that, the very description requires submission, surrender, and sacrifice of oneself- one's selfishness. So, every day I try to wake up and be a follower, be a person in which the Spirit can dwell and work- well, it's a war zone.

I am a giant electro-magnet, my stubborness and general ass-like demeanor have me stuck fast where I am, and every morning, I fall on my knees and wrench my soul away and try to toss it up to the Holy Spirit. "Here! Get it quick! Before it gets yanked back by the super-magnet! Quick! Get it and RUNNNNNN!"

I don't really know how it's going. I mean, some days I think the Spirit does have a good hold and He can get some stuff done. Other days He no sooner gets a grip than I suck it back and go about doing things the Sara way. Which really disgusts me. I wonder if other people are disgusted with themselves.

Ah well. And we go on.

Cookier Cutter God? No thank you.

I know a lot of Christians, and I know a lot of non-Christians. The Christians that I know can be broken down further into sub-groups, like those that go to church on Sunday, but live pretty much without God during their work week. There are the Christians that don't go to a church, but know a lot about Biblical stuff, but maybe don't think it's absolutely required for everyday life. There are also simple Christians, which are the sort that I enjoy hanging around with, who look to the Bible nearly every single day for guidance and directions on how to live their moment-to-moment life. These Christians belong to my church, and they are striving to make Christ number ONE, truly, in everything- to the point where they will tithe before they pay a bill. To the point where they will trust the prayers and faith of their fellow Christian church family members over the skill of a surgeon.

Ok, that sounds really hokey to a lot of you. I'm not saying that instead of surgery, someone would just have the church pray over them. No. You have the prayer, and you have the surgery, and when the doctors come out of that surgery puzzled, because the thing they went in to fix was...already fixed, well, there you go.

I want to be as simple a Christian as possible. Not simple-minded, but simple in Faith. I want to live my life as closely as possible to the life that Jesus lead. I want to be like the early church- gathering together, taking care of each other, worshipping, learning, growing the Kingdom of God so that when the tough times come, people will look to us and see, yes, God is real, and He is here, represented by His people.

Representing God isn't easy. First of all, you have to love like God. He left heaven, came to earth, suffered, and then died a horrible death, all for a bunch of selfish, single-minded folks...well, us. He loved us even though we spit on Him.

Another tough thing about representing God is this: Even though we may feel differently, we need to agree with His goodness. Even if it feels wrong to us. We must hold on to integrity with both hands, and not let our faulty feelings sway us. Lose friends. Lose family. Ouch. But look at all the people God is losing! He cannot change who he is- and why would you want Him to? When you build your home, you don't build it on a fault line. You don't build it on soggy sand that will move and shift. You build it on an immovable surface. Immovable!! The same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. That is God.

If you believe in God, but falter when it comes to who He is- what God are you believing in? One that you crafted yourself? That agrees with you in all things? What are the chances that God is real? We cannot mold God into who we want Him to be, because He is, and that is that.

That is a very difficult way to live. To love a God with all your heart, all your mind, and all your soul - a God that deserves that kind of love, no doubt- wow, that is hard. It's easy sometimes, but other times...When I feel like God is being mean. Is God really being mean? Or am I just misunderstanding his goodness, his holiness? Yeah. That's what's going on. No doubt.

The bottom line is, I believe in the God of the Bible. The God of Israel, Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit. The One and Only God. I believe in Him, as He is, not as how I want Him to be. If you think that makes me naive or less intelligent than you, well, fine. I suppose I can be seen as an idiot for God. It's hard to KNOW that something is TRUE, yet all the proof you have is your life. I suppose that is why I am diving further and further into my Faith- becoming only Sara the Christian. When the people that know me...see me again, well, what will they see? I hope and pray they see the Truth- the True God, True Salvation, and True Life, all within me and working in this world. Please, let them see that!!

I am the Lord's Servant. Let it be to me as the Lord wills.

Let's play pros-cons with the candidates.

McCain:
Pros:
Supposedly a fiscal conservative (George Bush was supposed to be this, as well, but um, he's NOT.)
Supposedly a moral conservative (you can talk the talk, but if you don't DO anything about it, seriously, who cares where you stand.)
Sarah Palin (see previous entry for why this is a pro.)
Not Obama (and this is the best thing he has going for him.)

Cons:
He is essentially Bush III.
The Iraq war will go on and on and on and on and on and on.....
Who knows what other war he's going to get us into
He's old and robot-like.
He's a 35 year political veteran, which = career politician, which me no likey. Get a real job.
He's Boooooooring.


Ok, now Obama:
Pros:
He's young, fresh, new, hip, idealistic (if you share his ideals).
He's definitely not Bush III
He wants us out of Iraq, totally, by 2010.
He'd have the power to get things accomplished (whether good or bad) because of the Democratic majority.

Cons:
I don't share his moral ideals when it comes to abortion, guns, "spreading the wealth".
Did I mention "spreading the wealth"?
Socialism is lovely in concept, but not truly functional in flawed-humanity type government.
He could just be Clinton II, and no, I don't see that as a good thing.
He's half white- yeah, sorry, but to me, that doesn't make his being elected "historical" in any way. It's like electing Morgan Freeman. Everybody likes Morgan Freeman, black, white, Asian, whatever.
Nobody wants to talk about Ayers or Rev. Wright, and I seriously don't care, either, but if I ignore them and they turn out to be Obama's bffffffs? I will be pissed.
His goals, while wonderful, are awfully lofty. If he doesn't come through...well, I hold a grudge. Want proof? If I ever saw George Bush Sr. out doing whatever old people do, I'd throw an Arby's roast beef at his head and say, "That's for Operation Desert Storm, you MORON!"

Ok, now just for fun, let's do RON PAUL:

Pros:
He's an Obstetrician! A baby doctor! I love babies!! Read: Not a career politician!
He'd abolish the federal reserve.
He'd abolish the IRS
He'd get rid of Roe v. Wade and let each State decide on abortion.
He'd get us out of Iraq and EVERY other foreign country ASAP.
He'd close up our borders TIGHT.
He'd repeal the Patriot Act
He'd end the War on Drugs
He'd get rid of budget-sucking waste like the Department of Agriculture, Education, Environment- if every state has one, why do we need a federal one? We DON'T!
He'd restore the Constitution and get rid of the excessive/abusive executive powers that George W. Bush created after 9-11
He'd get rid of the federal income tax
He'd get rid of unfair tarifs/trade deals with China and other countries that exploit their own people to make $$$
He'd restore the USA to her sovereign glory and we'd no longer police the world or prop up the world with our "endless" aid money.
He's not a member of the CFR or any of those other One-world government organizations.
The man GIVES BACK his government pension money! Come on! You gotta love this man!!!
The media made it their mission to ignore him- that should be a sign, people. Ron Paul is EXACTLY WHAT THIS COUNTRY NEEDS!!

Cons:
Hmmmm...he is up there in years.
Uh....I can't really think of anything else...
Let's face it, Ron Paul is what this country needs, but the American people are too blinded by shiny-things and pied-piper politicians that they won't see past the glare on Obama or McCain's foreheads. Too bad. I'm so sad for this country and her jaded, quick-fix, let's go get drunk, average American people.


So, who am I voting for on Tuesday? Like it matters. They've chosen for us, all you naive people that think you are going to vote for your hero. Ah, to be a child again. I wish I hadn't taken the red pill. Or did I take the blue? Eh, I don't know, I'm not that into the Matrix imagery.