Brain for rent

Swoosh. And there goes another thought process...whether it be a moment of rationalization, calculation of damage, whatever. Maybe some self-loathing mixed in there, a little thought projection into other people's brains. Then we'll do some pleading with God. Mix that up with some of the devil's lies, and we've got a nice simmer going now.

Whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever you may have said to me in the past, whether ten minutes ago or ten years, it is stuck in my head, and just as relevant now as it was then. Why do I hang on to such junk? Believe me, it isn't voluntary.

Whoever you are, wherever you are, I will process you into my head a dozen times over, and from the responses I have gleaned from you for whatever stupid thing that doesn't really matter, I will have a clone of you in my head, with which to project your possible thoughts of me. Your opinion of me, whatever it may truly be, well, sorry, I'm way ahead of you. I've already got your opinion of me, and just try to change my mind.

This makes things rather difficult, don't you think? That question is addressed to You, God. How did I get this way and how on Your Green Earth are you going to delete this mish mash of garbage? I am a finely tuned machine at this point. The thing of it is, it doesn't even feel like self pity or self loathing. I've embraced it all as truth. I know it is a lie, but it still feels like the gosh darn truth. If I held both up in the mirror, I wouldn't know which was which. Which self is real? Is there even a real self in there? And if so, she is such a stranger that I wouldn't know what to do with her. Better/easier to give over to God, I suppose, but she's got to dig herself out of this first.

Oh, I could let this ebb away like it usually does, this weird, time-sucking brain world of mine, she usually slows down and allows me to file back into wherever it is I am. No forward motion, of course, but not really backward, either. I could let time pass and find my way back to where I usually go, but...

I know that's not what you want, God. Apparently, unbeknownst to me, I am gripping my life and self with iron hands. Spirit, as I understand you, you've got the ability to change me, but I'm not quite sure what I need to do to get that process started. Besides the constant pleading, praying...

I have no idea who this person is, God. The me that you have made. I feel like a huge illusion, a huge pile of names and identities and emotional garbage just plopped down into this skin. There is nothing of reality within me. Save for you, Jesus. But even that...is it possible that you too are an illusion- not an illusion in reality, for I know that You Are, but Are You within me? Or is that just another mask on the pile?

How can I even move an inch in the right direction if I don't even know that? Is this lack of faith? Must I have some substantiated reality to hold on to? Other people don't. Am I some kind of freak? Yeah, don't answer that question.

I know the Truth. I feel the Truth. But I have not been submerged with in it. I am not drowning in it, and I want to be. What a metaphor for baptism. Would it be that simple, God? Would the substantiated evidence that my head requires be that simple? Is my brain that tangled that I need proof for my proof? Am I so Gideon?

And yet, as my fingers move across the keyboard, the electricity that caused this thought train has gone. I'm back to projecting. Back to fighting my own thoughts for breath. Back to being but not being. I just want to be, but I want to Be Yours, Lord. But I suppose you won't have me til I crumble. Crush me, God. Please. Please. Please. Please.