In my head today...

We are pondering emotions. For instance, the emotional submission you must give in to when you realize you need Jesus. You know, I thought it was a once-and-done thing, like, that day I sucked up my pride and let the sobbing break out of my usual brick-like exterior. The day I admitted to being so messed up that Jesus and only Jesus was going to make something of me. I thought that was it.

I have learned in these past 4 years or so, that oh no. It is a continuing mission, this breakin' me down business. What is it the Bible calls it? Refining in fire. That's it.

So, I like to think about the woman in the Bible who is known as "the sinful woman"- and this is her story. Basically, she and her "sin," whatever that may be, are well known by the locals. It ain't no secret that this lady is trash, I guess. In spite of all this, she searches out Jesus, and finds him having dinner in an up-and-up's house. Inside this house along with Jesus are some bigshots, some religious leaders, some political leaders, and then not to mention the fellas that Jesus has chosen as his personal squad. This woman still goes to this house, walks inside, kneels at Jesus' feet, and unbeknownst to him at first, she starts to wash his feet with expensive perfume, mixed with her tears, and then uses her hair to dry them. As icky as that sounds, if you put it in the context of the times, what a gesture, right? She comes in this house, pretty much like walking into a hornets nest, because she is well aware of her own reputation. She deals with the whispers she is hearing, the snickering, the scoffing- she goes and she breaks herself down in front of Jesus. Crying, focused only on Him and who He is, and what He represents. She lays it all down.

In this country today, we are lacking in sincere emotion. Unless it is a movie that is making you cry, we rarely cry-alone, perhaps we cry alone, but even amongst friends, most people are shut up tight. I know I am. My husband and my mom see my tears, but a few other people that I respect and love and need approval from? Heck no, I can't cry in front of them. I wonder if I would be able to do what the woman did, walk in amongst all those people that I know would be judging me, and break down like that. I really don't think so. But do I need to? Can I hold on to this stone-like exterior in front of these people, yet still be chisled out for Jesus? I'm not sure that can work. God's strength is made perfect in our weakness. So, how do I allow my weakness out for God to make into something huge and glorifying for His purposes...when I can't allow myself to break in front of ordinary people?

This is the struggle of the moment folks, to walk out in front of many people and just be an instrument of God, of His word. To not get in the way. To allow my faults to be part of who I am, part of the refining process that Jesus has started within me...I really need some kind of definite answer, but I know God isn't going to give me one until I step out in faith. Do what I need to do, yet let God control the doing. Ah, how complex it all is! It was so easy for Mary. All she had to do was have a baby. "I am the Lord's Servant, let it be to me as you have said," she says. Well, I am the Lord's Servant, and sure, let it be to me as you have said, but what are we letting be to me??? Can I get in on the plan so I can prepare myself? Luck favors the prepared, however, God favors the faithful and trusting, I suppose. Well, let's see what happens, for I know these things to be truth: "In all things, the Lord works for the good of those who love Him." and "I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." So, built on that rock, we mosey on down the road...