Reflecting on Easter...

So, yesterday's Easter was fantastic. I felt like I was really enveloped in the joy of the day- the fact that my Lord is NOT dead, but risen, alive, and kickin'. The idea of that, being once dead but now alive, is so bizarre, you have to force yourself to believe it. You have to concentrate. You have to let yourself be sucked into it.

I think, for the first time, I did that. I was truly celebrating it, singing with my guts. It was pretty cool. Very cool. Super cool.

More than anything, yesterday makes me want to do more about 'this'. 'This' being my life lived for God. I know there is more for me to do, I know He has intended more for me and my life- however small and insignificant I may see it to be, He has work for me to do, that my whole life must be centered upon, and I want to do that, be that. More, more, more.

One of my greatest, um, thought activities centers around 'me as mommy'. I don't know if God has put this within me, but I get very, um, weird about being a mother, giving birth, all that jazz. I know that the Lord is responsible for every child I conceived and will conceive. I want to let that all up to Him- but nowadays, that's considered irresponsible, unreasonable, or even crazy. But why? Why do people think mother-of-19 Michelle Duggar is horrible? She has put her trust fully in the Lord, completely, down to the smallest detail, and to the largest- the fact that she will let HIM decide how many children she will have!

Um, isn't that how it is supposed to be? That we trust the Lord with all our heart, and lean NOT on our OWN understanding? Our own understanding being something along the lines of 2 kids is enough? Or once you have a boy and girl, you're good?

I just don't know. Well, I do, but I am influenced by this world, I admit. I want 5, 6, 7 children. I realize that my c-section situation will probably limit my chances of having a big ol' quiverful, but, should I not trust God and just keep going til the doctors remove my uterus because it's kaput? (you can only cut it open and sew it shut so many times, 6 is the most I've heard from my doctor's previous patients.)

Seth says we are done at 4. I have made it clear it is up to him to take care of that, because I don't want to do any "controling" in that area of my life. God controls that- and He is spectacular control, ask Sarah, Rebekah, Hannah, Elizabeth, Anna the prophet, and any other woman in the Bible who had trouble conceiving, or didn't at all.

My children are like arrows in the hand of a mighty warrior, and oh how blessed we are to have 3, and to be blessed with more? Yes, please, Lord. More and more and more! Whether by my body or by adoption, we will have a house full of children! (And right about now, having the children doesn't seem to be an issue, it's the house to fill at the moment!!) But think about that, even. What sort of insane person would get pregnant just as they are moving their family of 4 into their inlaws?!? A blessed person, that's who!! To have all that crap going on, selling our house at a huge loss, being packed into a much smaller space with active boys, Seth losing a job and finding another at 1/2 the salary...what nutball gets pregnant? I'll tell ya who- somebody who trusts the Lord, who will not say, "no thank you" to the blessing of a child!! As many as you want me to have, Lord!!!