Mid-March, 2009
I’ve always had this feeling of urgency, but I’ve always been able to calm it down and waylay the worry that goes along with it. Lately, however, I feel things moving at warp speed, and God is prodding me with his urgency stick even more than before. It’s not the most enjoyable feeling.
For one, I really have no idea what I’m doing. But, the positive side of that is God knows what He’s doing. Better that I am ignorant (to an extent) so that I don’t get in the way. But the places God is putting me…I shudder at the task. Shudder.
Amidst the trepidation, I have a weird feeling of confidence- the same confidence that also scares me into thinking I’ll let loose with my ego and become some monster. It is a delicate balance. I let the confidence be what it is, from God so that I can boldly do His will. But I beg God to hold me tighter. I am a wiggler. Too much wiggle room, and…you’ll find me miles away moping and content to wallow in my own failures. Even if they are made-up failures that only serve the purpose of giving me something to mope about.
Ugh. I’ll say it again: Ugh.
How does one go about telling the people they love…telling them something that could possibly change their lives forever? It is meant to change their lives, but I have no control over the change. Will it be for the good…or for the ‘other’? They all have choices. The way I present God’s words- I have some control over that- therefore, what if the way I speak leans people in one direction or the other?
Oh, look how much credit I give myself. As if. Seriously. We’re talking about doing God’s Will. Who is in control? God. Let’s not forget that. God can make even the most ridiculous mumbling into powerful words. Somehow. I don’t pretend to know how…I just have to make myself trust that He will. Small things with great love, right? Small things with great love.
Because I love God, I speak what He tells me to speak. Because I love the people I am speaking to, I speak what God tells me to speak. I don’t need any more motivation, well, part of me doesn’t. But the other part…she will take it wherever she can get it. Forgive me, Lord.
The lovely thing is, He will give it to me- that extra motivation, just because He loves me. It’s the whole Seek First the Kingdom of God, and all will be added unto you. To love God and do His will- when I focus on that, when I discipline myself and kick myself and punch myself and beat myself into submission- the joy on the other side- the blessings- the empty parts of me that are filling in tremendous and unexplainable ways…wow. I do not deserve this, Lord. Nor can I try to deserve it. You love me. And I don’t have words to say after that.
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Awesome.
ReplyDeleteYou truly experience this from the inside out.
It's a matter of grace, of gift, of stewardship of the gift.
You are a good, faithful steward and a profitable servant.
"The spirits of prophets are subject to the control of prophets."